when it comes to singing these days, i only really want to whisper or yell.

neither of these things are good for your throat.

but fuck the gray area, right?



the internet has ruined my ability to read a book.
well, not ruined.
just made it much more difficult.

shut the computer, self. shut it. read words on paper.
or at least on the kindle. come on.
you have the attention span to get through a novel.
you've done it so many times before.

"the root of depression is being too self-involved, and the cure is to read."

keep out

it is friday night.
i am in my living room with the television on;
i like to think the noise will cover up my loneliness.
that the talk with ease the noise in my head.

earlier i took a drive around my hometown.
i used to be too anxious to drive.
now i am too anxious to stay home.

i drove through the neighborhoods i used to live in.
i couldn't drive past the houses.

there are more churches than liquor stores here.
the stoplights are placed in seemingly sporadic locations.
streetlights line the bridge, and, in the winter,
are covered in christmas decorations.

i don't know how to write poems anymore.

i want to sit in empty churches;
stand on bridges.
gnaw off each of my fingers, individually,
knuckle by knuckle;
claw my face off.
drink and drink and drink and vomit.


stopped up

i keep having dreams about screaming



i would rather go to sleep
than keep scheduled appointments

i'll blame the pills and all of that stuff for now


what does it mean

it is very confusing
to love this hard
to not be able to say it
(why not? who said?)
to want to yell loudly

to try to understand its place

(it is very confusing
to feel so strongly
about anything at all)


i even ordered decaf

when i am too caffeinated and/or undernourished, my arms feel like they are made of plastic bags and pudding, like they might slip off of my bones at any second, like if i shake them parts of them might fall out.

i want to do hundreds of pushups
and also sleep forever and ever.



life is a continual emptying;
i feel, lately, like i am constantly gouging out my stomach
and letting the cold air come in.

(i feel, lately, like i am too melodramatic about everything.
i might be seventeen years old again.)



existing is rough, sometimes.
but we all get through it,
until we don't.


acting out

love is the most confusing concept and i have no idea how it works most days.



topics of conversation:

what foods are good
what foods are bad
weight loss
who is thin
who is fat
how fat makes you feel
why the scale was hidden
why the scale should be out
what foods you can eat
what foods you can't eat
getting rid of junk food
what to eat today
what to eat tomorrow
what to eat this week
what other people are eating
how many pounds you've lost
how many pounds you've gained
how to lose more

...i am going crazy.


please just give me a crystal ball

is it even possible to get a job for just two months?

(i would like to have a summer but i also need the money very much.)