i have very few close friends.
i think all of my close friends know this, and sometimes i worry they feel some sort of pressure from that knowledge. i hope they don't. but either way, i am so glad for them, so thankful for them, so amazed that i have found people to really, truly care about when i am so often afraid to even look at anything. it's beautiful that they exist and that we found each other.
it is also wonderful to feel understood. that only comes along every once in a while.
i sometimes worry about coming on too strong. it's just that i want these people to know that i really appreciate their existence. mostly, it's that a phone call or a long walk can make life considerably more bearable in a way i couldn't have fathomed.
reading hemingway short stories (i only seem to read hemingway in the summer)
having more frequent and more vivid (and sometimes more violent) dreams
screaming slightly less at night
drinking occasionally, but don't tell anyone
moving in less than a week
driving all through the night to get home
feeling more detached
listening to music occasionally, but still not often
writing rarely, poorly, ineffectively. not giving a shit about that, right now.
some days i just want to mash the keyboard; i feel like that would suitably describe some of my emotions.