2.6.10

oh, man, guys.

all i can think about is quitting school, finding some sort of this-can-pay-the-bills job (hopefully involving some sort of appropriate nerdery) and just reading and writing all day, and making music when i can. i could do that without going into debt for it. i could do that without a school. i could do that on my own. whatever.

my insides are nervous - i'm doing that thing where i'm not getting things done, where i'm not taking care of my personal life. i'm doing that thing where i procrastinate and it makes me feel sick. i'm doing that thing where i'm very worried but simultaneously telling myself that everything always works out, and then telling myself that sometimes things don't work out. i don't know what part of me is lying and what part is telling the truth. maybe both of them.

i'm sitting on my hands, and not going to financial aid, not figuring out my car situation, not talking to my family about important things. not doing, not doing, not doing. i wish i were just being. (when is it my turn to float down a river? i want to train my body to know that. i want to feel that sort of calm, that kind of adrenaline rush, that wash of peace.)

but i don't know. i don't know.

i just worry that i've lost my passion for this. i don't care as much about music as i did four years ago. i like writing songs. i like playing with my little band. but i don't know if i can do this as myself, if this is what should happen, if i will be happy here. i don't know if i want to stand up in front of people every week and ask for their attention with a song. i don't know if i can go through that constantly and call it a career. this is all probably just pre-graduation nerves, a quarter-life crisis. but they scare me, these doubts. what on earth am i supposed to do? barrel on through, i suppose.

(good things happen to good people, right?)

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