reading hemingway, bukowski.
talking to men about women.

i am pretty sure i understand some things now, about myself in relation to them.



i've been putting books between pages of other books as placeholders;
reminders; remember this poem using other poems.


you should run

women are hard to make friends with. i like them well enough, but men.
oh man, men.
they make more sense for me. more of them stick around, more of them talk about the things i like to talk about, more of them seem to be genuine and more of them seem to know what they're about.
i do have female friends, and i do love them, but there seem to be less of them.

(or maybe it's just hard to make friends with women here?
the selection is much smaller.)

i worry, though, that this not-really-getting-women thing is bad. am i getting sectioned off from my peer group? should i be searching out women to befriend? should i want "girl talk" with people? (i mean, that's just relationships and other stuff i could talk about with the boys if i really wanted to.) i know there isn't really a "should" here, but sometimes i feel strange. i am always the girl who hangs out with boys.
(but i love them, i do.
and they don't even make me cry.)



sometimes i think,
"i should start wearing makeup.
there are enough reasons to."

but then i realize,
"oh. i would have to buy it.
and learn how to put it on."

so it probably won't happen.


rhyme schemes

been writing a lot (so many poems)
been reading a little (and listening a little, too)
been ignoring everything else

always tired, often sleeping
hardly hungry, sometimes eating

too much work to do
not enough time, attention span, enthusiasm.
not enough to make me want to.

when can i quit?



i look down and get overwhelmed that my existence is tied to this thing;
that i have to have a body to stick around.

i have never met anyone else who has admitted to having this feeling, but i feel strange having to live in here, sometimes.
i feel strange having legs and arms and other things so far away from my head, sometimes.
i feel, sometimes.


with my little eye

two shy people dancing.