song and dance

written a while ago, copy-and-pasted to the blog to add some poetry to this old thing.

The sweetest sort of pain is waiting on my lips
An angular refrain of tightly-woven hips,
A song and dance, a song and dance.
I think we might belong here.

An echo of your words floats like a friendly ghost.
He's telling me you've heard my whispers and you know
The song and dance, the song and dance.
I think we might belong here.

I have found a confidant for secrets I can't tell.
I have found a ringer when I wanted a new bell.
It comes and goes, it comes and goes,
You tell me I belong here.

These empty rooms are naked, but I am not consumed
By what is left unshaken. The stark and pretty tune -
Our song and dance, our song and dance.
I know that I belong here.


bodies, and other cliches


these women intimidate me.
i have mixed feelings on the fat-acceptance movement. part of me thinks it's unhealthy, that it encourages an embrace of bad lifestyles, that it says it's okay to be lazy. the other part of me loves people loving themselves.
i guess the real problem is the fact that i think fat equates to ugly. i am afraid of it. i don't want to ever look like these women. their bodies are scary to me because i am scared of looking like that.

but i feel like i look like that, sometimes.

it's just that these big ladies look so happy in what would make me (and so many other people) feel so bad - their big bodies. but is that bad? if they love themselves, and if they are happy, should anyone try to change that?

what does any of this mean? i don't know. i'm not one of those people who is going to blame any generation's messed-up body image on the media and how all of our young girls are going to get eating disorders from the fashion industry. women have been feeling like this for decades without the realm of high-fashion models. i will say that finding out about crystal renn has made me feel like i can be just as beautiful if i try, but that girls in movies often make me feel like i will never be thin enough to qualify as beautiful.

this subject often makes people feel uncomfortable, but i needed to say something (even if just in this nearly-unread blog). i don't know how i feel in my own skin, if i like my body or not. i don't know what beautiful is. i don't know if i don't like the fat acceptance movement because i think it's unhealthy, or simply because i don't like myself. i am not asking for your compliments or for you to tell me anything about my appearance. i want to figure out how i feel about fat acceptance, about body image, about plus sized models and the idea of "plus sized" and so many other things. i want to know what other people think, too. i just want to learn about bodies.

i want to know where men are in all of this, too. women's body image is constantly discussed, but men are often ignored. i'm not only curious about what men think of women's opinions of themselves, but what pressures men face. they are assaulted, too, with an ideal to obtain. do men feel as badly about themselves as so many women do?

if this is all too personal, you can let me know. i'm having second thoughts about this post, but...ah, well. here goes.

(also....leonard nimoy photography? what?)


can't sleep

consumed by:
a. family
b. food
c. phones
a. legs
b. lights
c. loneliness

(put in outline format, per high school speech class requirements.
i'm feeling odd these days.)


watching movies

i always want a love like someone else's love;
i always want a love that is uniquely my love;
i always want love.

merry christmas.
celebrate it by reading books,
by hugging people,
by eating sugar and cholesterol (and not caring),
by watching the history channel,
by watching a christmas story,
by going to grandma's,
by staying at home.
celebrate something - there are things to be happy about somewhere, i'm sure, and we ought to take advantage of that.


holidays on ice

ready for st. paul now.

(i ate too many cookies, and it's so hard to motivate myself to work out at home. excuses, excuses. i set an alarm for tomorrow morning and i'm going to start making better decisions. i'm all mixed up.)



this is my 500th post.

i had other words to post when i came here,
but none of them seemed important enough.

more later - i must go put on pants.


zoo animals

the birds
that have forgotten to fly south
are outside my window
they are outside my window
asking for trouble and
getting used to the cold

(car for 10 hours tomorrow,
then i'm back in the mitten)


off the beaten path

"musicians lead extraordinary lives. you have to prepare yourself to lead a life that is extraordinary."

i've just got to get through finals week. get through this project i don't care about, this song i am not confident in, these piano lessons that make me feel incompetent (yet i am taking again), this whole debacle of wanting things i can't have and not getting enough hours at work and feeling so strange all the time.

i'll start preparing myself for an extraordinary life after the mundane quits hanging around...but i guess that's never going to really stop, is it?

(i'm always going to have to do the dishes, aren't i?)



i'm having one of those weeks where i convince myself i really can't do this for a living.
seriously, who do i think i am?
i don't practice piano enough, my voice is ordinary, my songs either feel too similar to each other, or like they lack consistency. i have too much jazz, or not enough. i have too many words, or not enough. i don't know. i don't know if i'd buy my music. (really, honestly, i probably wouldn't.)

so, uh...welcome to december, blog. it's gonna be an angst-y month.
the smell of snow makes me sad.