cigarette eyes

stepped out of the cliched comfort zone to go to the gay bar tonight. (the comfort zone-stepping was not for the gay part, but for the bar. i don't do lots of lights and crowds and smoke and drinks, generally.)
dancing with the little crowd of boys i was with was a good time (especially when the other girl's boyfriend showed up and danced awkwardly). it was all just silly and fun.

it was stripper night, too, which was kind of odd at first. and i'm thinking a lot about sex workers right now, and what that must be like. there were some unattractive, uncomfortable looking people out there tonight in the crowd. there were large women and old men and a girl who might have been a bit mentally retarded. the strippers had to look at all of them, dance on all of them, and make them feel sexy. and members of both sexes, too - you have to pretend to want to fuck what you don't really want to fuck.

of course, being with who i was with, i got dragged out onto "the square," as they call it, which is where you wait patiently for your lap dance, ones strategically placed. it just felt strange, watching this man crawl all over these people who are paying him for a half minute of attention, of pretend sex, knowing i would have a turn. i wished silently over and over that i wouldn't feel awkward, embarrassed. i knew i had to have a good balance - i couldn't be a prude, but i couldn't be creepily into it like i'd seen some people. i also wished that he wouldn't bend me over. that seemed odd.

but then it got to be my turn, and i didn't even care anymore. my heart wasn't into it, and he was just doing his job, really. our bodies were just close. it was just motion, movement. nothing awkward, but nothing felt actually sexual. at least for me. i know i am an exception to the rule for this, judging by the crowd i saw tonight, but i got nothing out of it other than a good laugh and an experience. when my thirty seconds were up, he looked at me awkwardly, not knowing where my money was. i had to show him, laughing, and he grabbed the one from my breast pocket with his teeth, smiled, and went on to lift up another girl's ankles, put his face in another guy's crotch. no big deal.

this is where i know for sure that cheap, meaningless sex is something i cannot do. ah, well.
it's for the best.

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