we are a bunch of strings that are intertwined but not tied to one another, this odd family of mine.
it is generally a lie, these attachments, isn't it? the way we are.

i am sad about not being sad.

i am selfish.

colors, colors everywhere.

made a beautiful cake yesterday. i am making friends - there were ten people in my apartment eating rainbow cake and playing catchphrase and talking about life changes. i didn't really know most of them, but who knows what will happen. i am so excited to meet people and love people.

the apartment is grand. i am feeling happy here, inspired here, almost home here. i haven't been here long enough to really know, but i think things will be good.

i have a lead on a job - that is exciting. so exciting. ahhhh.

the clouds are so very close here. i can watch the lightning come down in a way i never imagined. i can also watch cars go all around, boats go on the river, trains pass by....everything is out my window. i love this apartment. i really, really do.


silent drive.

the drive back from grand rapids tonight was oddly empty. there were no other cars on the road for maybe twenty minutes or more of that drive, and i was surrounded by orange construction barrels reflecting back at me.

i started to cry as soon as i hit fulton. i didn't stop until i got to coopersville.

"the end of history" sang to me until the car sat in the garage.

i am not sure what to think or how to feel. i've already started a letter.

it begins.

[i move this week]
{what about love?}


cigarette eyes

stepped out of the cliched comfort zone to go to the gay bar tonight. (the comfort zone-stepping was not for the gay part, but for the bar. i don't do lots of lights and crowds and smoke and drinks, generally.)
dancing with the little crowd of boys i was with was a good time (especially when the other girl's boyfriend showed up and danced awkwardly). it was all just silly and fun.

it was stripper night, too, which was kind of odd at first. and i'm thinking a lot about sex workers right now, and what that must be like. there were some unattractive, uncomfortable looking people out there tonight in the crowd. there were large women and old men and a girl who might have been a bit mentally retarded. the strippers had to look at all of them, dance on all of them, and make them feel sexy. and members of both sexes, too - you have to pretend to want to fuck what you don't really want to fuck.

of course, being with who i was with, i got dragged out onto "the square," as they call it, which is where you wait patiently for your lap dance, ones strategically placed. it just felt strange, watching this man crawl all over these people who are paying him for a half minute of attention, of pretend sex, knowing i would have a turn. i wished silently over and over that i wouldn't feel awkward, embarrassed. i knew i had to have a good balance - i couldn't be a prude, but i couldn't be creepily into it like i'd seen some people. i also wished that he wouldn't bend me over. that seemed odd.

but then it got to be my turn, and i didn't even care anymore. my heart wasn't into it, and he was just doing his job, really. our bodies were just close. it was just motion, movement. nothing awkward, but nothing felt actually sexual. at least for me. i know i am an exception to the rule for this, judging by the crowd i saw tonight, but i got nothing out of it other than a good laugh and an experience. when my thirty seconds were up, he looked at me awkwardly, not knowing where my money was. i had to show him, laughing, and he grabbed the one from my breast pocket with his teeth, smiled, and went on to lift up another girl's ankles, put his face in another guy's crotch. no big deal.

this is where i know for sure that cheap, meaningless sex is something i cannot do. ah, well.
it's for the best.


dirty chai

tonight was good. it felt real, albeit small. i felt love and excitement; i remembered how much i love to perform.

i hope that as time goes on, i get just as excited for every gig i play.

also, i really enjoy menswear, and i am loving all the free menswear i've been getting lately. old man sweaters, button-down shirts...but i also love my new pencil skirt. dare i say i feel, as a friend put it, "like a fox"? because that's kind of an awesome, previously unexperienced feeling.

i move in a week and a few hours.
excitement, nerves, insomnia, fear, energy, worry, hope.


all the way down

i'd rather not fall in love, i am thinking.

i'd rather, at this point, go for easy hook-ups and friends with benefits and cuddle buddies and all the goodness and joy in human contact without the emotions that sometimes drown the simplicity.
but, of course, i am saying this in this moment right now.
tomorrow morning, i will probably change my mind.

but for some reason, it seems like detachment and looking at everything like a scientist could be oh so much easier, don't you think?

"i propose an experiment."
"are you asking me out?"


made you say it

okay, so this is the second time i've left my underwear at a boy's apartment.

they say third time's the charm...who's next?