i am playing piano; she says there is a dance for us?
too many people

i need to

maltreatment of the brain; thinking healing was done; i cannot do this myself, apparently

two families is too many.
one family is too many.
i would like to go.

this feels all too familiar.

at least i look nice in that dress.


starting again.

today i am feeling lethargic and sad.
that is okay.
that is good, reassuring.

i just want to go back to bed.
that might not be okay.

however, i have been listening to music.
i haven't done that in a while, which was not okay.
so now it is back, pleasant and nostalgic.

and here i am, reevaluating who i am and what i mean again.
surreality is back, maybe to stay.
nothing really makes sense.
i don't expect it to anytime soon.
things are stark, pressed between pages of big reference books, clean.

i had a hard time sleeping last night, although i was so tired.
probably the caffeine running through my body,
and the thoughts running through my brain.
i had wild, vivid dreams.


two kinds

i've had coffee and tea tonight. i am very tired. i don't know where my black notebook is and i am getting obsessive. i want to sleep, i want to read. i don't have the attention span to do either.

i very much need to clean.

theater on wheels will make for an interesting summer.

my thoughts feel a bit disjointed.

i need a good cry so badly. it's stuck inside of me. i haven't cried for a long time, too long a time. there are things i need to cry about. this is not good. i don't like it one bit.

sleep wants to take me right now. i should go with it. i just want to write more. that's good though, good that writing is coming back. it had gone away and that upset me. i was afraid it would leave forever.

i wrote a poem today, a poem for a song. i think i could be a lyric-writer. not an exceptionally good one, but one nonetheless. (nonetheless was a word i really loved for a long time.)

tomorrow i want to clean my room and read on my roof. hopefully tomorrow-me remembers the things right-now me wants.

bed, bed, bed. good night.


no, no, no.


what is wrong with humanity?
i want to cry.



i am addicted to buying books. seriously. i have bought more than ten in the past week, and it just keeps happening. used books are so cheap sometimes, though, that i can't stop. who can pass up anna karenina for 25 cents, or huck fin for 40 cents? not me, obviously. i just keep buying and buying them and making my library. it's always been my goal to have a big library as an adult. i am investing in pieces, i guess. this is what i collect.

god, and how i love knowledge and beautiful words.