19.4.09

huh.

i haven't been writing much lately.

this concerns me.
but not frequently.
just when i think about it.

but here is some writing, some thoughts.

there are so many more men in my life lately. some are boys, really. but they're all around. musicians and writers, mostly. those that seem epitome of cool and ones who play dungeons and dragons (but don't let that fool you - you can still be cool and play d&d). i hang out in groups where i am the only girl oh so often. i can joke and play, say crude words with the best of them. i am essentially one of the guys with (sometimes) longer hair.
but i have also been re-learning how to interact with women, how to be good friends with them, confide in them, be one of them. i have always been a woman in a different way than my peers (although i acknowledge everyone is what they are in a different way, of course) and i felt a bit strange for it. now i am realizing what all of this means to me, and what gender is in my own definition. why i am a slightly androgynous woman, but a woman down to my core. i can relate to creation, to softness, to all things essentially feminine, but i won't worry about painting my nails and i like to say shit that is far from ladylike.
i've also begun to think that my feminine core is based in sexuality. the typical female sexual role - the acceptor, the warm enveloper, the one who takes in and holds - ties in to my personality. that is what i do to people on an emotional level, whether they know it or not. i take people into me. this is what makes me a woman, and what makes me who i am as a person.

that is the culmination of several years as a childhood girly-girl, attempting to be a tomboy all throughout elementary school, and having male best friends as a young child and a college student, but female in between. it is also a result of watching people and how they interact with each other and applying their actions to my own behavior.

what an interesting life we each lead, yes?

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