rain dance

i have possibly made one of the best "bad" decisions of my life so far, which resulted in some pretty good college memories.
it is 3:38 am, and i have a morning class tomorrow.
but you know what?
i have a new really good friend now. also, the bottom of my foot is cut and i have two giant bruises.
i am covered in rainwater.
my paper is not done.
sleep may become an elusive thing tonight.

life is an adventure, and tonight i took it.



i haven't been writing much lately.

this concerns me.
but not frequently.
just when i think about it.

but here is some writing, some thoughts.

there are so many more men in my life lately. some are boys, really. but they're all around. musicians and writers, mostly. those that seem epitome of cool and ones who play dungeons and dragons (but don't let that fool you - you can still be cool and play d&d). i hang out in groups where i am the only girl oh so often. i can joke and play, say crude words with the best of them. i am essentially one of the guys with (sometimes) longer hair.
but i have also been re-learning how to interact with women, how to be good friends with them, confide in them, be one of them. i have always been a woman in a different way than my peers (although i acknowledge everyone is what they are in a different way, of course) and i felt a bit strange for it. now i am realizing what all of this means to me, and what gender is in my own definition. why i am a slightly androgynous woman, but a woman down to my core. i can relate to creation, to softness, to all things essentially feminine, but i won't worry about painting my nails and i like to say shit that is far from ladylike.
i've also begun to think that my feminine core is based in sexuality. the typical female sexual role - the acceptor, the warm enveloper, the one who takes in and holds - ties in to my personality. that is what i do to people on an emotional level, whether they know it or not. i take people into me. this is what makes me a woman, and what makes me who i am as a person.

that is the culmination of several years as a childhood girly-girl, attempting to be a tomboy all throughout elementary school, and having male best friends as a young child and a college student, but female in between. it is also a result of watching people and how they interact with each other and applying their actions to my own behavior.

what an interesting life we each lead, yes?


friday night

academia is not my forte. i'm drowning in it, a little.

but look at all that i'm learning within and without it...



those motherfuckers were everywhere in my dreams last night.
i think it was a combination of watching kung fu panda and knowing easter was coming.

easter weekend is officially over.

empty dorms, chinese food, movie marathons, romps in the woods, spitting on ducks, swings, unnecessary rounds, free pizza, strange art, jumping for baseball, loving the people around me - it was an eventful two days.

i am going to miss it. i am. i am going to miss people and places and opportunities.
but i have to go.
i have to keep telling myself that.

(i haven't sent in my "yes" letter.
it is my passive way of saying that i am not ready to let go yet.)



my letter came today!

i jumped, made nonsense noises, and felt a little bit like crying.
it's time, isn't it?