31.1.09

black coffee

i'm spending my weekend nights alone...i think i like it.
which is not to say i don't miss you.
it's just that i need that time to look at myself, and forget myself.

i'm getting tired, though. really tired. i should go to bed early more often.
(i hope i'm not wearing myself out.)
bodies are confusing and hard to keep up with, at times.



it's funny who i want, and when, and why.
i wish i could keep my favorite people around me always.

25.1.09

health

i know i shouldn't, but i just want to stop.



(i am so much softer than i was years ago.
i am so much softer than the people i know.)

20.1.09

mr. obama

i will try to be realistic.

but.

george w. bush is out of the white house now, and obama has a lot to reverse.
we are so used to a bad leader with disastrous actions, with only occasional justifications for the things he's done.
i want a president whose choices are explainable most, if not all, of the time instead of the other way around.

14.1.09

jazz

auuuugh how i know now
i can feel it in my bones

i come from the blues
i come from america

i am improvisation
i am conversation
i am collaboration
i am instigation, observation, class and station

i have senses purely for the enjoyment of life
i have ears to consume sound
i have eyes to bring in beauty
i have hands to touch, to touch, to touch
i have a mouth for a million reasons
to sing, to taste, to kiss, to scream, to whisper, to cry

jazz is sensuality
jazz is self-discovery
jazz is ecstatic bodies
jazz is restless minds

and i am going to become it.

13.1.09

scheduling

oh man, i am packed.
i'm not sure if i like it or not.

but reading a book a week...that will be nice, i think. yes, yes.

10.1.09

money

please don't tell me i can't.
it's not a good enough reason.

i will starve, i will not buy any new clothes, i will not update electronics, i will not have cable, i will not use much electricity, i will go outside instead of to a gym, i will go to the library instead of bookstores, i will work a lot, i will actually try to get gigs, i will do whatever it takes for me to be able to love what i am doing.
because that's far more important, right now, than anything else.

i know what it is to wear myself out, and i am not afraid to do it in pursuit of love.

(also, now that i'm thinking about it, the lack of consumerism would actually be quite good for me, and most likely more sustainable than how i'm living. i might as well cut down on consumption anyway.)

9.1.09

my little room

it will be nice to be back, i think, to my own space and my own ways around.




oh god, this is my last semester here.
my last set of classes.
my last meal plan.
my last dorm room.
my last array of bulletin boards.
my last (first) spring formal. (if i go.)

so many things.
i will miss you so.
and yet.
ah, how i love to move.

(i'm beginning to feel a yearning for the mississippi;
i'm not sure why, but it is calling me to a temporary home)

8.1.09

failures

i feel utterly ashamed of myself, like i have accomplished nothing with my break from school.

but part of me wants to say, hey, world, fuck off. because sometimes, when one gets a break, one needs a break. and i hadn't had one in a long while. i've got a lot of shit to deal with, and work wasn't exactly going to help me through any of that. besides, i am at home - this is supposed to be a safe haven against schoolwork. i do schoolwork when i live at school, simple as that.

i know, though, in the end, that those are not good enough reasons. i have a few days to get a lot done, and i'm not sure it will happen. i probably ought to go work right now, instead of writing.

(it's still hard for me to understand how i can't get through life just writing and reading and breathing.
logically, of course, one needs to make money and all of that nonsense, but that's not enough for me.)

3.1.09

clearing up

i'm throwing a bunch of things away that are unnecessary, and in turn, throwing parts of myself away that are unnecessary.

it feels damn good.

1.1.09

resolutions

ranging from the cliche to the abstract, for 2009.

eat less
exercise more
watch less
read more
worry less
create more
sit less
go more
memorize less
learn more
own less
travel more
criticize less
encourage more
"i have to" less
"i want to" more

fear less
love more