unheard of

i never want to do what i need to do.
i've gotten distracted by the big picture, by the truly important things, and i've ceased to remember the little goals.

but let's face it - i've been stuck in the details too long.



missed the boat

there are other things i'm missing, too.

it's so important to have someone to talk to. more important than i remembered. i am learning to break down the barriers, feel less afraid, and not hold back the necessary information. i am holding onto so many things, but i am starting to let go...how good it feels, waves on the shore.

i'd forgotten what it was like to be spontaneously complimented, too, on something beyond clothing.

[betcha can't have just one.]


in response to a photo

i don't need someone to
kiss me on street corners or
stare longingly into my eyes or
say that i am the most beautiful thing

i need someone to
believe in my crazy ideas and
listen when i don't make sense and
understand why i can't sleep at night

i don't want someone to
have to try way too hard or
think they owe me something or
attempt to always make me happy

i want someone to
be patient with me and
teach me to be unashamed and
keep me unafraid in vulnerability

i don't dream of romance

i dream of love

(even in terms of friends, it is oftentimes hard to find people who understand these sorts of things. too many superficial relationships begin to wear down a person. but too many intense relationships would be overwhelming. i am learning how to find the balance.)


crooked lines

it's hard not to feel alone at times like these.

why do i have such a hard time sharing myself?

please listen.



"i feel like you're a high school football player who wants to play for the NFL."

i sincerely hope i'm one of the people that makes the cut.


no fuckers allowed

so i just looked over the website of the no cussing club, and all i could think was
"well...fuck that. they must have something up their collective ass."



there are so many of them,
and they mean a surprising amount to me.

i had one of those days today, one of those days with clouds.

i'm over this liberal arts education thing. i love it, but it's time for me to move on. only 1.75 semesters to go.


sit by me

i'd rather live the human condition than discuss it to death.

[let me roam free, education...you should open my mind, not make me feel tethered down.]


cold air

it smells vaguely of snow.

i forgot how this makes me feel.


window panes

it's been raining for 3 days.

i wrote a song where i know i'm saying something important, i'm just not sure what it is.

school work is overrated when there are people to be known and there is art to be made.



i think i may start actively avoiding meat again.
i say it this way because i don't eat a lot of meat in the first place out of habit, and it would really just be a switch to actually calling myself a vegetarian and not giving in to that chicken noodle soup.
it may just be another phase - i'm sure it won't be a permanent lifestyle change - but i have so many reasons to do it, i may as well. and i've been getting good amounts of protein from seeds and beans and all of those wonderful things. i've learned some good meatless eating habits from experience and other people. it shouldn't be too hard.

i'm also going to start exercising regularly, i hope. i grew a pair an went to work out today. luckily nobody was there, but still, i did it. i realized that was really the main unhealthy thing about me, my lack of exercise. so. hopefully turning over a new leaf.
(i just hope i can make time. sometimes it seems like even an hour and a half a week will be hard to come by, and that's just the minimum.)

i really want to be a healthy person. i've been thinking about it a lot, and it's becoming a bigger deal to me now than it has ever been. i don't want to get old and be sicker than i need to be. i don't want to be young and not in my prime. so i've got to shape up now, before it's too late, and make up for my lack of caring in the past.

anyways. i'm just rambling. there's so much going on in life, i just had to pick one issue to focus on and get some thoughts out. maybe later i will treat you to another thing.


it is not a crime

to want love

it is not a crime at all

(i started making a list to plan my future
where will i end up
pros and cons to be weighed)

(i wanted to say words
but it is not my place.
i don't have anything
someone else hasn't
already said, and i don't
really have anything
anyone would want to
hear. but that does not
mean i did not think
about her, that i was not
affected by her, that
i was not shocked and
could not think for a
while, felt so alone for
a while, like i had no
one to tell, to talk about
it with. because no one
here knows what
happened, and i was
stuck not thinking all
alone, thinking about
how maybe i should
have tried just a little
harder to learn about
her life. i am not torn
to pieces, admittedly,
but it is not my place
to be. those who are,
i would not take away
the meaning of what
they say by adding my
own words to the mix.
just that i wish, i wish
i had done something
while i could have.)



i can't figure you out.

(i mean, i don't know what i'd do in that situation.)



i want to know you when you are old.
i want to see you with
glasses too big for your face, with
a balding head, with
wrinkles of wisdom telling stories across
your truthful lips.

i want to talk to you when you are old.
i want to hear you when
you divulge exceptional advice, when
horribly bad jokes come back to life, when
experiences are woven into tall tales that
you have known yourself.

but i do not ever want to be old.
i do not want to forget your name, or
where i lived when i was younger, or
the anecdotes of what we've done, or
anything about love.
i do not want to lose my walking body.

i would hate to stay young
and have you age so;
i guess i must give in to the perpetual
unavoidable fate
for the sake of fairness.