3.8.08

the dam will break

okay, dam breaking, here are thoughts unfiltered; stream of consciousness. (there are lots of words ahead)

only twenty more times around, only twenty more spins, and then i will be there. i will end up right back at that fateful beginning. and everything keeps spinning, moving around, until it ends right back up at the start. the start with questions with no answers, the hardest kind to ask. the start that may or may not have an end, and nobody can really tell. maybe it's better to start at the end sometimes, or never even start at all.

everything feels so natural in its ebb and flow, but once that moment of disconnect hits, all is lost. that moment is where i fail, where we all fail. everything can be perfect until it falls apart, a river met with waterfalls, shattered boats in crashing beauty.

i'm being overtaken by the idea of the cat on the ledge, of my chair being broken, of my legs falling into deep sleep before my brain does. i'm being overtaken by the idea that you want me there when i am not, and you don't want me there when i am. maybe there should be a trade. i am drawn back into memories, ceaselessly playing a part i have already acted out, replaying and replaying until i am worn out. and i have let go, already. i have even let go in the future. i am preparing myself for things i cannot be prepared for. that's the only way to do it, really. i hope you are prepared, too.

maybe someday i will fly far away, and not look back. not look back at you, or you, or you, or you. not look down at the ground passing below, but look out of my window seat and the clouds enveloping my new soul. i will be reborn, re-baptized in the water droplets suspended in midair. i will be baptized as a human being, as a human being who does not run away, necessarily, but gets out. and makes new. and starts over.

resurrecting these thoughts and ideas is a dangerous game i play, but why not feel them while i still can? why not make believe while i still have the capacity to imagine? i will lose this all one day, in the drudgery of daily life and a solid relationship and a stable home and patterns and routines. i will lose all this uncertainty in certainty, if i really do grow up. i'm not sure how i feel about that. there are still some surprises left, sure, but sometimes i want my whole life to be a mystery.

one, two, three, you then me, someday someone will know where it all will go. i'm just saying these words to pretend like i have nothing to say. and you're just repeating them back to me to pretend like you do. ah, the way we match.

i'd rather fall a hundred feet to the ocean than trip onto the pavement where you stood.
good predictions will fall with me, coming back from the past to touch my present.

good night.

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