30.8.08

a beautiful city, i'm sure

it's so weird to be back here.


living away from "home" makes it less home.
but i am not at home at school. and maybe school will feel more home-like once things get underway, but i cannot help but feel at every step like this is my last year here.



i need to get out.

(i don't want to stay without you.)

26.8.08

break me open

when i get asked to describe myself, i always stumble over too many words to reach a point that is rather simple. but to describe myself simply is to limit your perception of me. do i mind? i find myself described to me in three easy words: i am honest. but to the outside world, that may not be enough information to really know me.

i don't know what to tell you.

23.8.08

cock blocker

you are going to drive me crazy

i have enough trouble with people as it is

golfing on the roof

this is about you, this is about you
and sometimes i forget that lately
(because it had been about you for
so much, for so long, before now)



i like a lot of these new people i am meeting. i am wary of some of them. sometimes i like half of a person and wish i could change the other half. but that's not how it works, and i would hate if someone would want to change half of me. it's all or nothing with people, and i am still learning about that.

this year, this year.
all the things i want to do, all the things i can't say.
it's going to be really good and really horrible all at the same time.
i keep trying to prepare myself, but it's difficult business sometimes.

20.8.08

morning, friend

oh, i'll be the one who'll break my heart
i'll be the one to hold the gun

i know more than i knew before




(everything is up in the air;
we must determine whether
it is filled with helium or
oxygen)



"you yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection."
- buddha

16.8.08

free bird

i am exhausted, but i guess i am going to have to get used to this state of affairs.

this is going to be a year of dedicating my life to other people. i will really need to learn how to manage my time, which is something i'm not good at. time is this crazy thing to me that i can never quite seem to get a hold of.

i am feeling hopeful, but at the same time, terrified. i know i can do this, but sometimes...i don't want to.

everything is moving so fast.

11.8.08

connections

i feel bad for leaving you
so soon, so soon.

10.8.08

visitors

everything is all set up;
i put blankets on the chair for you.

anyways.
i like the new place, and i think i will be at least happy with the space.
it will make this next year a little easier, i hope.
but maybe it is just new room optimism.

(oh god, the beauty of a single.
it's not that i'm antisocial.
i just love having places to think.)

6.8.08

pictures of strangers

i wrote the lyrics first for once, which is strange news.
i need to work on fingerpicking skills.
school is happening too soon; i wonder if i can get away with insomniac writing there.
i'm extremely sleepy right now, but all i want to do is finish writing this goddamn song, and maybe make a shitty recording of it, but i think i will just go to bed, because i can't focus.

ahhhhh, fuck.
(i thought i looked like that rock.)

3.8.08

the dam will break

okay, dam breaking, here are thoughts unfiltered; stream of consciousness. (there are lots of words ahead)

only twenty more times around, only twenty more spins, and then i will be there. i will end up right back at that fateful beginning. and everything keeps spinning, moving around, until it ends right back up at the start. the start with questions with no answers, the hardest kind to ask. the start that may or may not have an end, and nobody can really tell. maybe it's better to start at the end sometimes, or never even start at all.

everything feels so natural in its ebb and flow, but once that moment of disconnect hits, all is lost. that moment is where i fail, where we all fail. everything can be perfect until it falls apart, a river met with waterfalls, shattered boats in crashing beauty.

i'm being overtaken by the idea of the cat on the ledge, of my chair being broken, of my legs falling into deep sleep before my brain does. i'm being overtaken by the idea that you want me there when i am not, and you don't want me there when i am. maybe there should be a trade. i am drawn back into memories, ceaselessly playing a part i have already acted out, replaying and replaying until i am worn out. and i have let go, already. i have even let go in the future. i am preparing myself for things i cannot be prepared for. that's the only way to do it, really. i hope you are prepared, too.

maybe someday i will fly far away, and not look back. not look back at you, or you, or you, or you. not look down at the ground passing below, but look out of my window seat and the clouds enveloping my new soul. i will be reborn, re-baptized in the water droplets suspended in midair. i will be baptized as a human being, as a human being who does not run away, necessarily, but gets out. and makes new. and starts over.

resurrecting these thoughts and ideas is a dangerous game i play, but why not feel them while i still can? why not make believe while i still have the capacity to imagine? i will lose this all one day, in the drudgery of daily life and a solid relationship and a stable home and patterns and routines. i will lose all this uncertainty in certainty, if i really do grow up. i'm not sure how i feel about that. there are still some surprises left, sure, but sometimes i want my whole life to be a mystery.

one, two, three, you then me, someday someone will know where it all will go. i'm just saying these words to pretend like i have nothing to say. and you're just repeating them back to me to pretend like you do. ah, the way we match.

i'd rather fall a hundred feet to the ocean than trip onto the pavement where you stood.
good predictions will fall with me, coming back from the past to touch my present.

good night.

2.8.08

called just to say

it's been a pretty goddamn eventful summer.
i couldn't tell you everything that's changed about me if i tried.


(p.s. ask me about my driver's license,
and i'll tell you that it'll be here in a little over a week.)