15.7.08

summer's fading

i will note from the beginning that my blog gets labeled "emo" at times.
i am a teenager, and this is a blog.
be thankful i am not complaining about petty drama and whining about my lack of a significant other.
things could be a lot worse, people.

and with that, i begin to write.


i'm getting really scared about life. the acknowledgement of life after college was sort of a silly idea floating around in my head for awhile, but today i had to look it in the eye. it's going to happen. i am in the part of my life that is supposed to prepare me for a real job and real relationships and owning furniture and living by myself. mortgage is such a scary word. commitment is such a scary word. settling down is a horrifying phrase. i fully understand that i am a few years away from that reality, but i can't help but fear it. i feel severely underprepared.
"now i'm older, gotta get up, clean the place."

next year is going to be the most stressful year of my life so far.
i will have the RA commitment, 18-19 hours of classwork, preparations for transferring, my 18th birthday (which is a few stressors in one), my good friends all living in different cities, and so many other things. i will stand here and say now that things will get bad next year. i am going to get depressed, and moody, and sad. but that is not to say that things cannot also be good. i have full faith in the world to be good, and i will also stand here and say now that next year is going to hold a lot of ups and downs.
truth be told, i am so scared of the downs. i know what i am capable of, and i know i am capable of sinking pretty far down. i'm capable of pulling myself up, as well, but i can't predict what i'm going to do in those moments i am unprepared for. i'm so shaken up right now, who knows where i'll be then. i can only hope my newfound confidence can carry me through, and maybe the shoulders of new friends.

i have three weeks to get my shit together.
i'm so scared.

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