21.4.08

the man behind the curtain

i miss you
i miss you
i miss you
i miss you
i miss you
i miss you
i miss you
so much
all the time


(and you don't even exist; that's what kills me. i have these ideas in my head of people who should be in my life but never are, and i somehow think that maybe they will come along. i have invented all of these characters that i want, but really, i've just read too many books. they're not here. they are people i made up when i was six years old, sitting alone in an attic, before the world got to me in the same way it gets to every other kid. that moment when it hits you that your parents aren't perfect, that no adult is perfect, and you're going to grow up to be wildly imperfect and just as fucked up as everybody else. and i began to miss those ideas of perfection that i had built up around people. i miss them like they're real people. and they're not, they aren't even imaginary people, they are just images. feelings. ideas. i yearn for a home i never got to know. i'm so lost, you know? i'm just so lost. i don't know where i'm going because i don't know where i came from. i don't think i came from anywhere. i think i got placed somewhere, but grew up inside myself just as much as inside any sort of system. i come from a country, sure, but not really a city or a household, and even in this country i feel like i don't belong half the time. i need to be a citizen of the world so that i feel like that, if anything, i at least belong on this planet. at least i can call this wet orb home. but i think i don't just want a place. i want a person. i need a person that i can call home, and i don't really know where that is, yet, or how that works. of course i want arms to fall into when the day is done, but that is just basic human instinct. i really want someone to trust, someone to trust me. i don't want to doubt love. i want the deepest intimacy. i want to be someone's home.)


[i am happy here, but i would be happier - i would be happier - somewhere else. i don't know what to do.]

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