29.4.08

in second place

here's the thing:
i want to write funny stuff, but mostly these days, i write when i am all crazy and turbulent and emotional.
my funny ideas get lost in stress and school and family and friends and being a college student and all of that silliness.
but i would like to write funny things, really.
maybe i will have to start using writing less as a venting, less as sad poetry, and more for everything instead of some things. because i have a lot of ideas, but only some of them make it here because i think they sound flowy and nice or something.

lame.

i am funny, i swear to god. i say funny things all the time.
so i should be able to write a funny narrative.
and sometime, i will.
and i will put it on my blog.
and you, reader, you will laugh.
out loud.

(second post in a day because i've realized that i am far too serious here, and it is very different from who i am in real life)

matrices of light

the stars lined up and flashed before my eyes,
which made me tired all the time
(and now
my head hurts and
my neck cannot always support its weight)



i hate it when i realize that, in hindsight, i have lied.
in that moment, i was telling the truth, but what has happened after that time has made me a liar.

i am sorry i lied to you.
i swear i was telling the truth when we talked.
but i don't know if it will hold the test of time.


also: i miss you. i cannot wait for summer, for the time i get to see you. i miss you. with all of me.

26.4.08

duct tape

once i know you can hear me, i don't want to talk anymore.

24.4.08

in the corner

i want to just give up what i'm doing and go be a songwriter

but i won't

because i'm too afraid

and lacking in confidence
(and guitar skills)

23.4.08

ultimatum for personal reference

you've got a year.
a year to make it up to me;
a year to prove yourself.

a year to give me creative, explosive, emotional musical experiences.
to give me loving, meaningful, adoring friends who fit.
to show me why i should stay.

and if you can't, i am leaving you.
it is as simple as that.
i'm not quite sure where i'll go yet, but i have to go somewhere.

i love you, but i can't stay if you aren't going to give me what i need anymore.
i will miss you.
but sometimes, it is time to go.

(i get excited when i think of other people and other places, and i think that that might be a sign. i am mentally cheating on you all of the time, and maybe that means i should just break it off.)

21.4.08

the man behind the curtain

i miss you
i miss you
i miss you
i miss you
i miss you
i miss you
i miss you
so much
all the time


(and you don't even exist; that's what kills me. i have these ideas in my head of people who should be in my life but never are, and i somehow think that maybe they will come along. i have invented all of these characters that i want, but really, i've just read too many books. they're not here. they are people i made up when i was six years old, sitting alone in an attic, before the world got to me in the same way it gets to every other kid. that moment when it hits you that your parents aren't perfect, that no adult is perfect, and you're going to grow up to be wildly imperfect and just as fucked up as everybody else. and i began to miss those ideas of perfection that i had built up around people. i miss them like they're real people. and they're not, they aren't even imaginary people, they are just images. feelings. ideas. i yearn for a home i never got to know. i'm so lost, you know? i'm just so lost. i don't know where i'm going because i don't know where i came from. i don't think i came from anywhere. i think i got placed somewhere, but grew up inside myself just as much as inside any sort of system. i come from a country, sure, but not really a city or a household, and even in this country i feel like i don't belong half the time. i need to be a citizen of the world so that i feel like that, if anything, i at least belong on this planet. at least i can call this wet orb home. but i think i don't just want a place. i want a person. i need a person that i can call home, and i don't really know where that is, yet, or how that works. of course i want arms to fall into when the day is done, but that is just basic human instinct. i really want someone to trust, someone to trust me. i don't want to doubt love. i want the deepest intimacy. i want to be someone's home.)


[i am happy here, but i would be happier - i would be happier - somewhere else. i don't know what to do.]

20.4.08

your head on my shoulder

i have so many predictions for next year, hopes that will probably lay unfulfilled, bonds that might never be strengthened.

but what i wish for is simple. i want people. i want to gain people and to lose the least amount possible.
i want you to still love me, love me more, to remember me most days.
i will remember you all of the days. i promise.




it's so hard to know that my heart is going to be in more than one place next year. it stayed mostly grounded this year, but now reality has hit that nothing is forever. and if being separated this far for now is scaring me, what about further into the future? i want to move across oceans, and it is going to hurt to leave my heart behind.


too many thoughts for such beautiful weather.
i'm going to just go enjoy it.

18.4.08

summer's sons and daughters

it's such an abstract concept,
grieving for someone who is still alive. (or never existed, as the case may be.)

but i'm in the bargaining stage, i guess.

17.4.08

lola

you've thwarted me this time
and oh, i'm bruised
but i will climb higher
barefoot and brave




(i didn't climb trees until i came to college...
what does that say for my childhood, freudian analysts?)



[her name might be lulu
but i am keeping lola as the title regardless.
for the sake of anonymity and such.]

16.4.08

pennies on the desk

i do like barack obama.
i have such high hopes for him.
he says the most amazing things; i hope he does them.



on another note:
my favorite quote from last night.
"when you go to shows, sit right in front of the singer, and do exactly what you did. it's...inspiring."
there's sort of a sense of power when you realize that the artist watched you the whole show.

14.4.08

as they come

i thought i was found but i am more lost than ever


"i miss you
you might miss me
but you've trained me well to doubt either"


i don't know what is making me feel so far away, but i do. so far.
i am ages away from anyone i have ever loved. it is breaking me.


and who do i tell, when everyone is either distant or new?
i don't know who i love.
i don't know who i trust.
i am confused.

life shouldn't be like this, this perpetual shedding of people. i am not a fan.

13.4.08

confession

i knew him once, briefly, and only in jest did i consider him anything monumental in my life.
and yet, when i begin to dream, he will occasionally make an appearance.
last night he was my best friend, my counsel. i ran my fingers through his hair and held him; he was sad but i don't remember why. he loved me fearlessly. the main thing i remember is a feeling of safeness and of constancy, the warmth of assured love.
i feel strange, now, knowing that i am dreaming of this person who doesn't even know me, who i don't even know. why? i know dreams are fairly meaningless, but i want to know why my subconscious chose this character for its follies.
maybe i am just lonely. perhaps the ideas that came along with his brief excursion into my real life are just manifesting themselves in my dream life. they were never my ideas, but other people say things that get stuck under my skin.
maybe i am just hoping for security here. i really do just want it to feel like home, and this could be a way for my mind to attempt to make everything more comfortable and secure with people who are still relatively new to me.

all i know is that i wouldn't mind having the same dream again.

11.4.08

priorities

reasons to fight global warming:
1. polar bears are really cute
2. our children, our children's children, etc.




[i could totally have a polar bear for a pet, right? i mean, all i would have to do is explain that i just wanted to cuddle and it would be like, "sweet! me too!" and then we would cuddle and it would not claw my face off.
maybe i could at least have a baby one? they are little and adorable.]

10.4.08

write me.

sometimes, my heart starts beating abnormally fast, and i can feel it rising up into my throat like it is trying to escape, trying to get out of the body it is trapped in and come out of my mouth. maybe it is pretending it is my voice, but i know its real aim. it is trying to get out into the real world so it can reach out and find every other heart and hold it, because that's all i really want to do. yes, i want to hold your heart in my heart oh so metaphorically and like every other poem i've read.

this idea will become a poem later on. but for now, it is just sentences placed poorly together.

8.4.08

pitter patter

the rain is beautiful.
i am happy.
it smells like summer nights and sounds like spring afternoons.




[it is a decision i have to make for myself, and i think that's what is frightening. i am torn. i know what is right and what is wrong, but i also know what makes me feel good and what makes me feel bad. i need to reconcile these things. i need to find what makes me happy, and i need to find satisfaction in "good" things instead of things that are obviously not contributing towards my well-being. i don't know what next year will bring. my lucid self hopes for productivity and wellness. yes.]

6.4.08

fingernails

i had a good weekend until sunday night, you know?




sometimes i miss you, and sometimes i want to leave you.
i never know what it really is.

2.4.08

around the world in two hours

it's this profound (un)meaning that
haunts me when i attempt to sleep and
hurts me when i attempt to stand and
waits for me to get off the bus
and step into puddles.

[i dreamt we were in another country and that maybe you understood


something has to fall into place]

it's this dying (un)living that
kicks me when i'm down and
steals me when i try to sing and
gets me to fall down when i
just want to live.