once more

i have so many emotions and nothing to do with them.

you know your life is not the way you want it to be when you are lying in someone else's bed, knowing you can't cry and wishing you had found the time to days ago.

but i think that's what i'll go do now, except in my own bed.

why am i always so sad in times like these?
i am happy until i stop to think and come to a hundred horrible realizations all at once.
if i just stop thinking about it, maybe it will go away.
maybe this hopelessness of living, this blatant absurdity, this inclination that i simply do not belong amongst these people - maybe it will all just leave me.

i'm going to go back to school and do what i want because i want to. because nobody here can stop me while i'm away. nobody here can figure out what i do when i'm away. so here it goes. maybe for real this time. no matter what everyone said, i have an ideal and i am going to play these games until i am tired out.

i miss human touch and cannot ask for it.
it's all so complex in my mind and so simple outside.
i don't deserve love if i can't earn it, right? and i'm not earning it, i guess.
there's no way to rationalize any of it this time. i am cold and alone.

(i think maybe i sort of dislocated my shoulder a little bit.)

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