31.3.08

oh deer

this is a good decision and a good start.

i've got a lot to do in not a lot of time, and i have come to terms with that.
i've made my fair share of mistakes, and i have come to terms with that.
i am going to take an action to make myself a better, more productive, healthier human being.

yes.

this is a good beginning.

29.3.08

a favor

wrap me up in blankets and throw me out to sea

25.3.08

good grief

i will hang my head low and pretend that i am looking at the ground
when really
i am avoiding any sort of eye contact.




i am ashamed
and upset
and feeling slightly wounded.

i should not have to do this.
i should not have to do this at all.


i love my friends for all they do for me, and i am eternally grateful. i can feel horrible about everything that is going on, but then i can think of those people that i love because i choose to, that i love beyond any sort of genetic bond, that i love purely because we are meant to love each other. thank you, thank you for loving me. you don't know how much i need it.



(there are problems much, much bigger than me.
and maybe i should start thinking about those instead.)

23.3.08

once more

i have so many emotions and nothing to do with them.




you know your life is not the way you want it to be when you are lying in someone else's bed, knowing you can't cry and wishing you had found the time to days ago.

but i think that's what i'll go do now, except in my own bed.


why am i always so sad in times like these?
i am happy until i stop to think and come to a hundred horrible realizations all at once.
if i just stop thinking about it, maybe it will go away.
maybe this hopelessness of living, this blatant absurdity, this inclination that i simply do not belong amongst these people - maybe it will all just leave me.


i'm going to go back to school and do what i want because i want to. because nobody here can stop me while i'm away. nobody here can figure out what i do when i'm away. so here it goes. maybe for real this time. no matter what everyone said, i have an ideal and i am going to play these games until i am tired out.



i miss human touch and cannot ask for it.
it's all so complex in my mind and so simple outside.
i don't deserve love if i can't earn it, right? and i'm not earning it, i guess.
there's no way to rationalize any of it this time. i am cold and alone.



(i think maybe i sort of dislocated my shoulder a little bit.)

18.3.08

self doubt

it wasn't me.
it was never me.
it won't ever be me.



it isn't me.
it isn't, isn't, isn't me.



i'm so sorry.
my heart breaks in every moment, and i have no way to describe it to you.
it wasn't me.
it was never me.
and it will never be me.

16.3.08

kew-mahngz

"but why should"

the
greatest
of

living magicians(whom

you and i
some
times call

april)must often

have
wondered
"most

people be quite

so(when flowers)in
credibly
(always are beautiful)

ugly"




[i need to finish that book for real this time. this summer. promise.]

it is a no

it's just...
well, you see...
it's because...

you just don't make me feel like airplane turbulence, okay?

13.3.08

now i get it

spring!
spring!

oh!

i don't think i've ever had a clearer understanding of the beauty of spring
i don't think i've ever been so excited for the snow melting
i don't think i've ever felt so much exhilaration for the sunshine
i don't think i've ever known so much joy simply for a season



(but i think i say this every year)

12.3.08

good news and bad news

i wrote a song about you.
in fact, now that i think about it, two almost.
i'm sure you'd be so happy to know that i did, but once you heard them
i'm sure you'd be so sad to hear what i had to say.

please don't be sad, though.
it'll be okay.

i promise.

10.3.08

beautiful silences

it's okay; you can admit that you don't love me.




the ball is in your court now.
i have tried, i have reached as far as i can go.
if you want something, then it is your turn to ask me.
i am done trying to find people who don't care to be found.
i am done trying to hold on to people who don't mind if they slip away.

so.
it is horrible of me, but it is now everyone's turn to keep in touch with me.
as much as i love you
i want to know that you are willing to try.
because you know i am.




(in other news, it is sunny and beautiful. i am anxiously awaiting those "endless summer nights" and the possibility of driving myself everywhere. i anticipate the beach, writing a lot of music, and finding myself under bright skies again. i hope for being in love with the world again, for another summer. i'm looking forward to getting sad at night when everyone leaves, and falling asleep realizing that love will stay through the night. it's that time of year again, folks. here we go again.)

9.3.08

back at it

i think i'm going to let myself take the back burner.
well, if you let me let myself.

this is all confusing and weird.

i have a lot of new time now, so i will practice and read a lot of books. hopefully.
one never knows with me.





i've got notes i've taken on my hand
written for you and about you
someday i'll type them up into a novel
but until then
read yourself on my arm

7.3.08

ongoing

the first time, it meant something.

but now, they are just hollow words.
they sink into the background noise, and i will not fight against them.

4.3.08

sweet pea

i get so tired at night that i am dizzy and i stumble into and pass out in my (cold, virtually blanketless) bed.

and i'm beginning to think that might be the way i like it.

1.3.08

extra days

it's absolutely horrifying. and i'm scared, you know? because i'm the kind of girl who drinks juice straight out of the carton. i'm the kind of girl who lives because it's what keeps happening. and i sing because it's just what comes out.

so what happens now? what happens once the morning is barreling at us like giant rolling balls of light? we have to wake up and see, and i am not ready. i haven't gone to bed yet, and it is impossible to open my eyes.

your name is on my shoulder, and i am holding it there with a sort of embarrassed pride. i don't know what to do with my hometown and my dreamtown and my everythings that i am living in.