31.1.08

i'm not really sure

his ears were opened to the
quiet delicacy of sounds forgotten
as the pin pricked
as the sink leaked
as the world fell silent but for
his breathing.

he knew aloneness, now
in the new joys of solitude
and the lights flickered
and the rain fell
and he wouldn't have noticed but for
his breathing.

for although the world
cannot be quieted
although the mind
cannot be stilled
although the heart
will beat
will beat on
will beat in defiance of its owner
too fast these days

although everything can stand
in his way, if it wants to
everything has decided
to slow down
stop
for three moments in a row

and the phone rings
and the china breaks
and the world cries out
and we all wake back up.

30.1.08

untangle me one of these days

i am filled with love to the point that it is expanding, expanding, like a balloon that will always fit just a little more air and i will never stop, because even though i am getting stretched it feels so good to be expanding, expanding like the universe, out into what can't be seen but now there is something there, so the nothingness is filled with the delight of something unknown.

that is how i feel.

my heart hurts because it is stretching, but it is the kind of soreness that only happiness can cause.

and i know i cannot burst.

29.1.08

just a little bit.

you have four weeks to ask me for my phone number.
i expect you to.

don't disappoint me.

28.1.08

say yes

please don't let me down this time
i've come a long way just to fold back into line



i've been writing a lot of half-finished music lately. hopefully soon it will become all-finished.
poetry and prose, however, have been sadly ignored. i feel like i need to pick up my pen again just for the sake of written word, with no care for anything else.


i get sad, sometimes, but i feel a little happier when i look at the pictures where we're smiling.



i had a flying dream the other night, and it fell into lucidity. i was excited.
i've also had a few dreams where i'm playing music, and i consciously know not only what song i'm playing, but the notes. this is not a common thing for me. it is pretty exciting, though.
i like how my dreams know what i want, and will let me know, and get it for me when the waking world decides it's impossible.

25.1.08

good day.

"I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till i drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion."

- jack kerouac





why don't i read his poetry?

i think it may be time to invest in another book purchase...
it's an addiction, i know, but at least an intellectual addiction.

23.1.08

i'm so sorry

the way you are living your life
is getting you nowhere.

i can't associate with negative people anymore. they hurt. maybe i'm just way too sensitive, but it pains me. i honestly feel physical pain when i have to do things like listen to screaming music or watch people yell at each other.

i don't want these things.

please stop wanting them with me.

if we all begin, every day
to reject the lifestyle that has been handed to us
that is filled with so much anger
and so much materialism
and so much sadness
maybe we will all be okay.

let's just all be peaceful and quiet and reflective.

(and i know we are young, and i know being loud and reckless is fun, and i do it, too, but at the end of the day, all i want is peace. it overcomes any sort of want for excitement.)

21.1.08

keep me here

i think i have found a very kindred spirit in this website:
www.abeautifulrevolution.com
if only he weren't so much older, i would think i was in love with him.







i wish more people could just laugh at things. nothing is fun if you don't.

20.1.08

thrown across water

body pillows are good in theory, but

they don't emit warmth
they don't have arms

and sometimes
i just really want to be the little spoon.

19.1.08

study

Mara was waiting for him with one last temptation. How could the Buddha expect people to understand truth as profound as that which he had discovered? Why not wash his hands of the whole hot world, be done with the body, and slip at once into perpetual nirvana? The argument almost prevailed, but at length the Buddha answered, "There will be some who understand," and Mara was vanquished forever.


(- huston smith's "world's religons")

18.1.08

17.1.08

take me home

all i ever want to do is sleep, until it gets to the time at night when i'm supposed to sleep.

then there are a million things i want to do, and none of them are really plausible, or logical, or a good idea.





when i get too sleepy, my head falls and my world pulsates in a way that i cannot control, and i do not try to fight.




"i sank into the sea
wrapped in piano strings
few words could open me
but you knew them all"

14.1.08

beautiful mistake

i am ended.



i don't understand it;
every time i walk down stairs, i feel like i am about to cry.

12.1.08

won't you hear

i wish i could have things happen like this all the time
all the time

these moments of perfect insecurity.

"they wanna sleep
they wanna be slept"


power is words, is song.


i was at lunch yesterday and mentioned how i just want to sleep all the time, even when i've slept a lot, and how i thought that was kind of weird, and this girl looks at me and goes, "oh, huh. are you depressed?" it was so incredibly blunt, i didn't even know what to do, stumbling all over my "naw, i think it's just that i'm a bit overwhelmed, etc etc"

but my goodness, who asks things like that, especially in front of so many people? it's something you don't just outright ask a person.

at least in my experience.

11.1.08

someone else's song

i will be
the silver sun in your
setting sky

i will be
the hollow hand in your
hold tonight

i will be
the sad song
on your lips
in your chest
caught between
your fingertips

i will be
the early morning kiss
the quickly falling smile
the beginnings of ends

and you will know
a gloriously imperfect lover
all for light
all for touch

all the love i can give

9.1.08

usb buddies

i knew his argyle sweater meant it was too good to be true.




i am going to love, love, love world's living religions. that class makes me feel like a real intellectual, like a real thinker. like i'm actually in college, and not just going to school. i am excited for higher education. i am so ready to learn.

i'm also very excited to play chopin for piano lessons. romantic music is my favorite, i do believe.

7.1.08

salutations

kiss me again!

it was a glorious surprise and a shocking moment, and even if i'm embarrassed to admit it, it made my night. i think we should greet each other with cheek kisses from now on, if that's okay with you.




i like people who are comfortable with themselves so much that they make the people around them comfortable, too. i like having friends here that like me. i like looking out my window to see strangers dancing on the soccer field, spinning until they fall down. i like strangers and i like familiarity.



most of all, i like feeling contented about the way things are going. it'll be okay. it'll all end up okay.

4.1.08

avoidance

you might not even remember that day, and saying what you said, but it changed so many things.
you saved a part of me i was losing.
but i think i might just start falling again.

i'm so nervous.





i'm not sure if this is what i want. half of me says yes, and half of me knows i am doing myself some great injustice.

3.1.08

accidents.

i guess it's not really worth it.

i guess.

(just fill me up again, until i overflow.)






all i ask for is an answer to a question i don't know.

dreamt i hugged you

i'm really not sure why things don't work out the way i have them planned out in my head. it makes perfect sense there, you know? all the pieces fit together. i know my logic isn't always sound, but can't you see how beautiful it could be?

all these people only serve to make things more complicated. all of these emotions and ideas and other things that should be easily discarded in the name of the moment. this is what is here now. and i don't care about down the road, right now. it's rash, it's childish, it's exactly what people hate about people. and it's what i want to do. i want to give into everything in the moment. just for this once. i live so much in the past and in the future that i want to live in now for once.

i wish my lips didn't falter when my brain finally got to building up the courage.

finding notes from myself a year ago made me laugh. seeing the people i loved a year ago made me sad. i want to know why things fall apart and why love fails. i want to know where people go when i do not see them. i just need constant love. i need a constant love. who that will be, i don't know yet. but i need somebody to stick around, for once.

2.1.08

head in pillows

the appropriate response to "but i don't want to do it alone" is usually not walking away.

1.1.08

transit

stop asking questions i can't answer.



(i've got plans for years from now, but not tomorrow.)