31.7.07

unscathed

i want to be the one you want to wake up to.

30.7.07

simple mathematics

i want to tell you. i feel hung up but i don't know why.







there are a lot of people who need to know that, but for some reason it's hard to say first, isn't it?

29.7.07

but i gotta use words

[when i talk to you]

i am in a mood.

one of those moods where i feel incredibly turbulent and ashamed and afraid and twenty million things all at once. i have not been feeling well lately, and today has honestly not helped one bit.

i have this consistent need to be validated and it's getting annoying. i thought i was fine without other people; i didn't think i was this needy. but i am. i am so much. all of my inadequacies are piling up and i feel terrible lately. i need to have a good long talk with somebody, but i just can't do it. i just can't start that conversation. i'm not ready to tell someone everything i'm feeling - not just yet. i don't know who to trust anymore. i don't know why i don't trust certain people anymore. i am confused. i am lost. my relationships are floundering, but i don't think anyone is really noticing. it's all on my side, they are all my doubts. everyone thinks everything is fine, because on their half of the relationship, it is. because i am not telling them everything. because i can't tell them everything.

i just keep doubting that you love me.
which i know i shouldn't do. i know you love me, i do, i do. it's just hard to believe when i find it so hard to love myself.

i wish i did.
but it's a very hard thing to build.








i think i may need an unbiased third party to help me dig through everything in my head.
but i just couldn't talk freely with someone i didn't know well.
and therein lies the problem - once you get to know somebody well enough to tell them your problems, they become one of your problems, and therefore, you cannot tell them everything that's on your mind. it's a vicious cycle.


i know there's something bigger here than anything i've ever dealt with... and i don't think i can do it alone.

i have no idea what i'm doing.
and i have no idea where to turn.

27.7.07

pieces of tomorrow

you may hate it
but it makes me feel victorious.





(packing forced me to unpack my past
and so i decided to throw it all away)

24.7.07

needy

it's very difficult to accept that one day, we will not see each other on a weekly basis. we will not talk every day. we will not confide our deepest secrets.

we will find replacements.

nothing stays the same.




i need you.
let us find a way to stay.



i find myself so confused about people, all the time. wondering about my relationships. i feel like i am not good enough, sometimes. but there is such strong love from people that i cannot ignore it. as badly as i feel about myself, there is someone that looks me in the eye and reminds me of what i am worth. i am forever grateful for these people. and i am forever sad for the idea of losing them. a few people i can handle, sure. but there is a handful of friends that scare me. they scare me when i think of losing them. i had a traumatic dream the other night in which one of my best friends died. it was the most emotionally intense dream i have ever had. i believed it was true, and it was really, really frightening. and, of course, it was all symbolic - i was afraid i was losing this friend. i was afraid of what was happening in my life, our lives.

i don't want this to happen.
i don't want anyone to be dead to me.

but i know i can't keep everyone all together for always. that's okay, i guess.
besides, i have had such an intense yearning for new people and new experiences lately that it only seems fair that i do a bit of a trade-off.

i have had an urge to talk to someone - one of those deep, idea-laden, burden-lifting conversations - but i don't know how to do that. i don't really want to call anyone with the "i just need someone to talk to" only to have them discover that nothing new is bothering me, really. that it's just the past, the same old problems i've been working through for years, just with new ideas on top of them. i rarely seem to have new problems. i just dig up new information and renew the old ones.

and again i am faced with the question:
am i really a burden when i talk about my problems with someone?
because i am that person for people, and i love it.
but i recognize that not everyone loves the same thing; others may not love listening.
do i tell someone what's on my mind and feel guilt, or forget getting it off my chest and let everything stay the same?



i don't know.
it is my most commonly uttered phrase.

21.7.07

no sleep

.





that is how i feel. that is how i feel. that is how i feel.




i haven't slept in a long time, except for those off-and-on two hours of confused reality.
although i did half-dream the most beautiful thing, and i know i will never be able to recreate that poetry, and it's heartbreaking.

20.7.07

time to admit it.

it's not really the same anymore.
we knew it was going to happen, i guess.
but...
i just don't want it to.








[on a side note, i dislike drumsets at the moment.]

18.7.07

trust.

it is so fragile.

and how many times, when mom was turned around, have little kids smashed the vase with their baseballs, thousands of turquoise pieces and three flowers without a home?




truth: i would do very close to anything to make you happy.

16.7.07

popcorn.

this is what the summer is supposed to be about, right? having fun, and friends, and new friends, and good ideas, and everything silly and good.

i love being an accomplice.

i love irrational joy.

14.7.07

scars

i will never be a hand model.

13.7.07

shhhh.

this time, i won't tell you. despite the sand in my hair, and the songs in my ears, and the thoughts in my head. all signs point to yes, but i will say no. i will say no for once, and it will be to myself.

this time, i will do something that is against everything that is bursting out from inside of me. i will deny myself the very comfort of what i want. because that comfort is not always necessary.






i'm still at odds with myself, but i will learn to come to terms with that as time goes on.

10.7.07

back again

sometimes i just want to look people in the eye and tell them

"stop talking -








it's what gets you into trouble in the first place."

9.7.07

rescheduling.

please – all i need
is to be held tonight.

i am having trouble sleeping,
i am having trouble dreaming,
and i know you can wrap yourself
into me so nicely.

please –
all i need
is to be
held tonight.

i don’t even need you to love me,
only to pretend to (and maybe even
not that much) i just need
to be held tonight.

please – all i
need is to
be held tonight

because this music is old, and these car horns
aren’t music, but they’re old, too.
there is so much noise.
i just want to replace it all
with your heartbeat.

please
-
all i need
is to be
held tonight.

i need to feel the vibrations your chest makes
when you whisper, when you
laugh at me. (because even when you laugh
at me, you are laughing)
i don’t need anything but comfort.

please –
all
i need
is to
be held
tonight.






(isn't it sad to want something so badly
and to know
you can't find it here?
someone out there has to fit.
someone out there has to fit.

this is all just a biological yearning and i'm ashamed to find myself romanticizing everything.)

7.7.07

how fitting

my 100th post in this blog was going to be on the subject of people, and how their inability to see themselves frustrates me.

but i don't want my 100th post to be my typical confusion of people's minds.

so i will tell the world -
i move out in 1 month, 9 days.




putting a time frame on it makes it seem a little more real
but it's still a sort of surreal idea.




oh new things, i cannot wait to behold thee


oh new people, i beg you to not disappoint me.

5.7.07

ugh.

this is what i feel like most of the time.




because although she is the goddess of fertility
that does not mean she is beautiful.



(this post has been in hiding in drafts for awhile.
but hey.
if i'm going to be proverbially naked, i'll do it.)

also,
my fortune cookie told me today,
"go ahead and be as sexy as you can"
and so maybe it's time to try? ha.



[don't think it was anything you did.]

3.7.07

the great bicycle adventure

it was a good day yesterday.
i took a little bike-tour of my town and it was a delightful, sunny, headphone'd, fresh, slightly sunburnt experience.
my legs felt a little wobbly after an hour of biking, and, honestly, walking down stairs was a little difficult.
and, in all honesty, there were enough bumps and potholes for me to have a bruise on my butt. it hurts.


i think people should bike more.
i think that i should bike more.

the proper playlist, the proper weather, the proper route, and it's as if a movie is happening, and the camera is in your head. it is a wonderful thinking spot.

it's also much better for you, for the earth, for everything.
let's all bike now!
i really sort of want a bike revolution. people were starting it, and maybe i will join.
i like the idea.

1.7.07

love'll be the death of me

oh, happiness.

you are elusive, tangible, and always sitting right in front of people.




i am very happy and content with being alone lately, and i am glad of that.
because it was hard to be alone for awhile, and i'm glad it's okay now.





but i still like people, yeah.
yeah.
i do.