26.12.07

obscured

i am going to write with no inhibitions. i am going to set myself loose on this keyboard and let my late night mind take hold.

just let me be sad, alright? i know that you don't like it. but i don't really care about that, anymore. i am allowed to be sad. i enjoy it, in my own way. because it proves to me that i am alive. that i am human. that i am capable of feeling some sort of intense emotion. and i am allowing myself to be sad. i am listening to old music, old, old music from my past, to renew these ideas of distress. cut me to pieces, please. i would feel so much better about everything if i knew what was real and what everyone was just making up. i am naked in front of all of you, all the time, but never truly unclothed.

my head hurts and i blame all the water i drank. and i blame everything, everything, on something else, eventually. none of these problems are mine, anyways. i am sick and tired of holding other peoples' secrets. i am holding too many peoples' secrets. many of which they don't even know i have. and they are all trapped in a little pandora's box in my head, and i am so afraid that one day i will snap and everything told to me in complete confidence will spill out from my mouth into the air like a million buzzing bees that will only come back to sting me. but i hate it. i hate all of these things that i carry for other people. i would like to say it's not fair, but i'm sure that everyone is carrying their fair share for me, and i just haven't realized it yet.

i am so afraid to live sometimes that it hurts me. i feel so banal. i feel like nothing i do is going to be okay. what can i do that is new and original? what can i do to improve lives, to make people happy, to make an impact? i have intellect, and i want to use it to its greatest extent, but there is a black cloud hanging over my head that is preventing me from doing that. i have all of these brains and nowhere to put them. there is not a lot of motivation in my life. i want to feel socially fulfilled before i try to complete any sort of daunting task, and i don't know how to do that if i keep forgetting how to properly love people, and they keep forgetting how to properly love me.

i wish everything were okay, but it's not. it never is.
my problems are miniscule and not worth the time to even write them out.

i always mean to take care of them but never really get up the courage to step out into the world and do it.

there is nothing, nothing, nothing i can do.
there is nothing, nothing, nothing i can do.
except wait.
wait for nothing to happen.

i can't.
i can't do this anymore.

(it's what i always say, and never do.)

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