sleepless nights.

i woke up this morning sad and unwilling. i didn't want to go anywhere. i wanted blankets and warmth and the sleep i'd been attempting to find all night that never really came. i woke up sad and unwilling, and here i am now, a little better. the emotions have been dulled by friends and stark realizations, but i am still struggling with the waking world. mostly because i was forced to stay in it last night when all i wished for was sleep.

i slept, sure, but only enough to get one half-nightmare.

i stared at the ceiling. it was dark and i was dark and everything was falling in onto itself. so much was happening and i just caved in onto myself. i cannot do this alone. i cannot do this alone at all. i cannot do anything alone right now. i am helpless. i am not a child, that much is clear, but i am a helpless, stumbling in-between human being. i wish i could be independent, but right now, all i need is for someone to hold my hand and get me through this. i thought i knew who i was, but all of those ideas are washed away with every new morning. i thought i knew what i wanted, but every time i turn around, there are new feelings. i am destroying myself and simultaneously building myself into who i am meant to be.

what is this language? what is this life i am leading? what is music, what is love, what are words? nothing is making the same sense it used to. i need to wade through cold water, i need to submerse myself in emotion. i need a strong hand to guide me and i need to go out on my own.

"get me a person who isn't me...i don't belong here. i don't belong in this horse race."

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