work in progress

i am never quite satisfied with myself. i have so many expectations of what i should be, of what i had always imagined myself becoming, that i am always, always unsatisfied.

i should be prettier and thinner (much thinner) and i should work harder and get better grades. i should sing better and i should be playing the hardest of beethoven's piano sonatas by now. i should have read war and peace, and i should listen to more led zeppelin and bob dylan. i should have fallen in love, and someone should have fallen in love with me. i should be able to read a bus schedule with ease and not need to bring a friend with me when i go to the city to make sure i don't get lost. i should take better pictures. i should speak french. i should write more and better poetry. i should be able to make more friends faster.

i should be a better person.

sure, there are things i am doing right, but i am overwhelmed by all that i am doing wrong. i am frustrated at myself for both having all of these expectations and simultaneously for not fulfilling them.

i just want to go somewhere that's different with someone that's the same.
i want to know what i really am, not what i look like to myself. because ego gets in the way of everything.
the only real way to know yourself is to lose yourself, and i've done that before, but i'm getting so caught up in things lately that it's not the same. i have too much ego.

cleanse, release, refill.

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