13.9.07

illusory; complex

i need to take out the garbage. the little area in my desk smells like bananas. oops. it would probably be the peels that are just sort of hanging out in there. that's gross. i'm gross.

it got dark all of a sudden. you know when you're focusing on something, and the sun is out when you begin, and you lift your head and you're in darkness? it happens to me all the time. i get lost in things a lot.

i need a good cry. i don't need to cry about anything in particular, really, it's just that my eyes are telling me it's about time, and i there's a certain kind of relief that only comes when you admit to yourself you have a weakness and let it manifest itself in water leaking out of your face.

happy and sad come in quick succession; i'm never going to become what you became.

i've got 20 minutes until i have to share my room with another person again, and an hour after that until i need to be somewhere. but really, i don't feel like going anywhere. i feel like having someone come to me. or just going to sleep. or having someone coming to me and sleeping, simultaneously.

i wish i were funny more often. i try, i really do. but it just doesn't work out sometimes.

we talked and never spoke a word; she wonders who will be the first to go.

i'm obsessed with shuffling songs. i hate making decisions a lot of the time, and it's a lot easier to just flip a switch and let a computer decide what music i'll listen to. although i do skip a lot of tracks. i'll let the computer pick, but then i'll become dissatisfied and change it anyway.

if only i could press shuffle on life. flip through the options. if i don't like something, i just press skip, and move on. but reality isn't ever exactly like what we think it will be, is it? never.

there's too much to think about. i don't know what i want. i don't know what i want in the simple things, like the music i'm listening to. i don't know what i want in the big things, like what college i want to go to.

i do know a few things i want.
i want music, i want sex (don't even judge me; you do, too), i want sleep.
i also want to learn.
that is all my mind can handle right now, focusing on those things. add any more to the load i've got and i don't know if i'd know exactly what i'd do with it.

i don't know if i'll be able to keep up with my schoolwork. so what am i doing here, anyways? typing aimless thoughts into a blog instead of studying, instead of calling someone, instead of sleeping, instead of practicing?
release. that's what i'm doing.

and procrastination.

it's been a long week.
i want to go home.
home, not just to a house.
and so i've got to find it.

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