at times

"It's no good to get rid of your own aloneness. You've got to stick to it all your life. Only at times, at times, the gap will be filled in. At times! But you have to wait for the times. Accept your aloneness and stick to it, all your life. And accept the times when the gap is filled in, when they come. But they've got to come, and you can't force them."


warm cheeks

there was a softness in being alone somehow undiscovered.
it sank into their very bones, it sank deeper. it fell through their eyes, down to the backs of their throats, into the pits of their stomachs.
it made them feel like small children, asking their mothers for medicine and a day off of school.
it was a sharp pain that made everything weaker.
and yet, there were no complaints. no one cried out to stop it. no one failed to recognize the ease of the transformation into complacency.
it felt good.
it stung behind their eyes, at times.
it hung on their hands, at times.
it sat on their chests, at times, and slipped its bony fingers around their waists.

but when it fell to the deepest part, the aching was numbed.
when it hit their minds, when it grew to soften all of their organs, when it had expanded even to their souls, this softness was unavoidable and freeing.

it was worth living for.

suddenly, they were all unafraid.

soft and unafraid.

(i miss writing without a purpose.
i'm going to start that up again, i think.)


flying potato chips

and he kissed me 'til the morning light, the morning light
and he kissed me 'til the morning light.

(and i rubbed buddha's tummy, and a homeless man came in to throw away a bottle of urine, and i performed the heimlich, and i took a million brochures for a resort, and life gave me shivers.)

it was an eventful dream night.



i don't want to be alone with you.

work in progress

i am never quite satisfied with myself. i have so many expectations of what i should be, of what i had always imagined myself becoming, that i am always, always unsatisfied.

i should be prettier and thinner (much thinner) and i should work harder and get better grades. i should sing better and i should be playing the hardest of beethoven's piano sonatas by now. i should have read war and peace, and i should listen to more led zeppelin and bob dylan. i should have fallen in love, and someone should have fallen in love with me. i should be able to read a bus schedule with ease and not need to bring a friend with me when i go to the city to make sure i don't get lost. i should take better pictures. i should speak french. i should write more and better poetry. i should be able to make more friends faster.

i should be a better person.

sure, there are things i am doing right, but i am overwhelmed by all that i am doing wrong. i am frustrated at myself for both having all of these expectations and simultaneously for not fulfilling them.

i just want to go somewhere that's different with someone that's the same.
i want to know what i really am, not what i look like to myself. because ego gets in the way of everything.
the only real way to know yourself is to lose yourself, and i've done that before, but i'm getting so caught up in things lately that it's not the same. i have too much ego.

cleanse, release, refill.


dream quotes.

"i would sushi marry you."


life of the mind

give me the democracy of touch,
the resurrection of the body!

(she didn't know at all what it meant, but it comforted her, as meaningless things may do.)



"what do you want me to do?"

"i don't know, maybe touch my hair or something?"



one, two, three, four
tell me that you love me more
sleepless, long nights
that was what my youth was for

oh, teenage hopes are lying at your door
left you with nothing
but they want some more

oh, oh, oh
you're changing your heart
oh, oh, oh
you know who you are

i was going to elaborate, but i don't really know what else to say.


you'd be surprised.

in context, all sorts of meanings can change.

i want to see what i can be.


illusory; complex

i need to take out the garbage. the little area in my desk smells like bananas. oops. it would probably be the peels that are just sort of hanging out in there. that's gross. i'm gross.

it got dark all of a sudden. you know when you're focusing on something, and the sun is out when you begin, and you lift your head and you're in darkness? it happens to me all the time. i get lost in things a lot.

i need a good cry. i don't need to cry about anything in particular, really, it's just that my eyes are telling me it's about time, and i there's a certain kind of relief that only comes when you admit to yourself you have a weakness and let it manifest itself in water leaking out of your face.

happy and sad come in quick succession; i'm never going to become what you became.

i've got 20 minutes until i have to share my room with another person again, and an hour after that until i need to be somewhere. but really, i don't feel like going anywhere. i feel like having someone come to me. or just going to sleep. or having someone coming to me and sleeping, simultaneously.

i wish i were funny more often. i try, i really do. but it just doesn't work out sometimes.

we talked and never spoke a word; she wonders who will be the first to go.

i'm obsessed with shuffling songs. i hate making decisions a lot of the time, and it's a lot easier to just flip a switch and let a computer decide what music i'll listen to. although i do skip a lot of tracks. i'll let the computer pick, but then i'll become dissatisfied and change it anyway.

if only i could press shuffle on life. flip through the options. if i don't like something, i just press skip, and move on. but reality isn't ever exactly like what we think it will be, is it? never.

there's too much to think about. i don't know what i want. i don't know what i want in the simple things, like the music i'm listening to. i don't know what i want in the big things, like what college i want to go to.

i do know a few things i want.
i want music, i want sex (don't even judge me; you do, too), i want sleep.
i also want to learn.
that is all my mind can handle right now, focusing on those things. add any more to the load i've got and i don't know if i'd know exactly what i'd do with it.

i don't know if i'll be able to keep up with my schoolwork. so what am i doing here, anyways? typing aimless thoughts into a blog instead of studying, instead of calling someone, instead of sleeping, instead of practicing?
release. that's what i'm doing.

and procrastination.

it's been a long week.
i want to go home.
home, not just to a house.
and so i've got to find it.



"it's like touching your penis with your left hand."

"i don't have a penis."

"but you do have a left hand."

(possibly one of my favorite quotes of all time.)


if i kiss you where it's sore

will you feel better?

(will you feel anything at all?)


single-minded focus

i need to find someone who will let me hold their hand for a little while.

and maybe rest my head on their chest.

it would help me breathe easier.

(i began rubbing my hands together in a pressured frenzy today, unable to relieve the tension fast enough. what i need to do now is touch someone else. their hands, their back. i need to do to them what i need done to me, to vicariously ease all of this in me. i need someone to touch.)


oral fixation

"hey, would you mind if we stopped at a gas station and got some candy?

i need something to suck on."

a lack of clarity

i am really exhausted, but i know i can't sleep. i've got stuff to do today. but...i just don't want to do anything.
well, actually, what i want to do is be around people. and just watch a movie and hang around and talk. i want people.

it's sad sometimes, language.
it doesn't accurately represent what it's supposed to portray a lot of the time.
when i try to tell people i love them, it just becomes a mess of consonants that aren't really saying what i mean, an array of vowels that can't describe what i feel.
"i love you" means nothing, when it all comes down to it.
there's got to be a way to show you.

i had a plethora of dreams last night.
each and every one of them taught me something different.


1. no phone sex

if i had known then what i know now...

i would have implemented stricter rules on our roommate agreement form.

such as hang up the phone by 11:30.
but if you're not going to do me that justice, at least keep your conversation away from the phone sex equivalent of softcore porn. (alright, i'm probably exaggerating, but still. it's unnerving.)
even if i'm lying in my bed and my head is covered with a blanket, i can hear you. i can hear you when i'm brushing my teeth in the bathroom, too - those walls are not exactly soundproof. i'm sorry, but we live together. if you're going to have private phone conversations, maybe use your cell phone and go into the lounge where nobody is at this time of night, or at least warn me so maybe i can hide somewhere.

i have to do something about phones and alarms and sleeping habits and just general rules of living with other people...
but i have no backbone.
and i don't want to hurt anybody.


astounding similarities

i just realized that i am currently living with the 18-year-old, female, non-catholic version

of my father.



satpreet, i am not afraid to name-drop.
i miss your hugs a great deal, too.
next time i see you, we shall run at great speeds towards each other (in slow motion) and then have a joyous reunion of arms.

josh, i actually am afraid to name-drop. i lied to sp. don't tell her.
when i hugged you yesterday i realized i am always the first to let go for everyone, always. and i realized i didn't like it. i just can't hold on, and i wish i could.

friends, i am out of practice when it comes to hugging.
it's quite sad, really.
especially since it's all i really want most of the time.


your heart felt good

sorry that i am always the first one to let go when we hug.
it means nothing, i swear.

except maybe that i'm scared.


i was still asleep

and he woke me up again.

laying underneath a tree yesterday, i just stretched myself out, and let myself back in.
as i lay there, the wind danced on my hands, just barely kissing me, touching my face, and i realized something.

there is a beautiful subtlety in living.
the soft light that sifts through leaves. a breeze that reminds you of the intricacies of your own body.
it's so easy to forget ourselves when we get caught up in ourselves.
i know that sounds strange, and if you don't understand now, you never will.

we need to consistently remind ourselves of who we are.
human beings.
afraid and beautiful.
witty and solemn.

we are everything.
and we need to learn to see all of these things in everyone else.
and i know it's hard; i know.

but i'm trying.

(the thing i missed most the past few weeks ended up being real, good hugs from people who know and love and understand you. human touch is so incredibly valuable.)