i'm going to be kind of lonely and it's going to be my own fault.
i have already made the decision to stay in my dorm tonight instead of going to this big gathering of people. but a casino night? meh. i'm not into that kind of thing. i'd much rather just...i don't know. think about things, have time to process all that's going on. plus, i'm bad at meeting people. being completely submersed in all those new faces just doesn't do it for me. i need smaller group setting. i need classes. i need...something other than this, what's going on right now. i just need some time to think and be alone for once. because, i have a feeling, it's really not going to happen often enough this year.
but i feel sort of strange, sitting here in the lounge, people passing me by to go hang out with their new found friends, typing on my computer and being lame. i mean, it's my own choice, but i know that everyone is sort of judging me when they walk by. that i'm weird, or anti-social, or dorky, or that i haven't made any friends yet. whatever. i just take a while to warm up to people and to feel comfortable.
i'm going to make a lot of choices that will make me lonely. or at least alone; maybe not lonely.
whatever. it's just this whole intellect elitism thing right now, i think. and the fact that i feel really old and much more mature than half the people i am meeting here. i'm a terrible elitist. i'm terribly judgmental. but only really when it comes to grammar and behavior. i try to be good and understanding, but oh my god i want intelligent people who can form a good sentence and talk to me about the music i like and the movies that i love, you know? i want someone with something in common.
i want to be in a show. i want to act. really badly right now, actually. i want a monologue. i want performance again. i miss that.
i need to go do something else, but i really enjoy this outlet. but i'm going to go back to my dorm room, maybe read a little, write some on paper, do whatever i find to do. i have a meeting tomorrow, and eventually i'll need to sleep.
i hope i am okay. i have faith enough in myself, but i also know myself well enough to know that i can easily self-destruct.
i realized tonight that there is a large part of me here. something about fate is putting me here, in this place, with these people. i don't know what it is, but i know that enough of my past, a good deal of my present, and something in my future belongs here. i am in love with this place in a way. i don't really want to leave, even though i'll be so close.
the first few days were nice, but once the novelty wore off, i didn't really know what to do. i mean, i guess i could have done laundry (even though it feels like i am already constantly having to wash clothes) or done some intense cleaning. something usually gets in the way, though, or i get in some sort of mood that prevents any work from getting done.
i talk to myself altogether too much when i'm home alone. well, not really to myself. i talk to whoever will listen, like those moments when you're in a conversation with a large group of people and you want to say something but you never know to whom. except i'm alone, so i sound pathetic and lonely.
it surprises me what i say, though.
i don't want to go to school. not really.
i don't know what the fuck i want to do and i just want somebody to help me sort through all this baggage. godfuckingdammit.
look, i will go to school, find some unsuspecting rich boy, and we will elope and travel the world for the rest of our lives. because i couldn't ever settle down; not really; and i don't want to have to work any bullshit jobs, so i'll be a sort of freelance writer, which will still be bullshit, but at least a little less bullshit than other jobs; he will like to kiss me and we will have pictures of ourselves swordfighting with french bread in paris.
it's not really going to happen.
(there are people that make me so happy and yet they are the same that make me the saddest i have ever been)
i could say it's all of the changes in my environment or the stressful situations or all of the new things i'm being introduced to or restless legs syndrome or the amount of caffeine i've had or the fact that i haven't had enough water or that i've had too much water
but when it all gets stripped away, the reason i cannot sleep is clear.
i cannot fall asleep alone.
(at least not quickly and easily without trouble, like the rest of the world)
i need to be touched, held, held to standards of human physical contact that i have been missing (missing far too much), and i need to be enveloped.
i need someone to kiss me and mean it.
i want to love someone with all of me. i want to give all of me to one person, to hand over everything inside me and to have that be held so tightly inside his fist that it cannot be harmed from the outside, and so softly that he cannot crush it. i want to have all of me in you, and all of you in me. i want soft bodies at midnight, i want discovery and freedom, i want a hand reaching for mine.
this is too much to ask.
i don't even know who i'm asking it from. i don't even know what i really want. what i really, really, truly, deeply want. i think my mind, heart, and soul are all in disagreement. about love, about life. i don't know how much of this is physical, how much is emotional, how much is fact, how much is real.
it's just that i don't like sleeping alone. and my lips feel empty when i speak.
(i would have told you. i would have told you. i could not tell you.)