but i gotta use words

[when i talk to you]

i am in a mood.

one of those moods where i feel incredibly turbulent and ashamed and afraid and twenty million things all at once. i have not been feeling well lately, and today has honestly not helped one bit.

i have this consistent need to be validated and it's getting annoying. i thought i was fine without other people; i didn't think i was this needy. but i am. i am so much. all of my inadequacies are piling up and i feel terrible lately. i need to have a good long talk with somebody, but i just can't do it. i just can't start that conversation. i'm not ready to tell someone everything i'm feeling - not just yet. i don't know who to trust anymore. i don't know why i don't trust certain people anymore. i am confused. i am lost. my relationships are floundering, but i don't think anyone is really noticing. it's all on my side, they are all my doubts. everyone thinks everything is fine, because on their half of the relationship, it is. because i am not telling them everything. because i can't tell them everything.

i just keep doubting that you love me.
which i know i shouldn't do. i know you love me, i do, i do. it's just hard to believe when i find it so hard to love myself.

i wish i did.
but it's a very hard thing to build.

i think i may need an unbiased third party to help me dig through everything in my head.
but i just couldn't talk freely with someone i didn't know well.
and therein lies the problem - once you get to know somebody well enough to tell them your problems, they become one of your problems, and therefore, you cannot tell them everything that's on your mind. it's a vicious cycle.

i know there's something bigger here than anything i've ever dealt with... and i don't think i can do it alone.

i have no idea what i'm doing.
and i have no idea where to turn.

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