31.3.07

airplanes

i would rather be cold and wrapping myself in a blanket
than already warm.


this is what this vacation has proved to me.




(among other things.)

stories later, when i am caught up with sleep.

24.3.07

blurred vision

i am lost.




but not desperate.
i am smiling.

21.3.07

construction

i don't know what to think anymore

so mostly

i just stop thinking

17.3.07

PSR.

so leave the ways that are making you love
what you really don't want to love






...i'm sorry, but i have to.
i don't want to any more.
it's time, it has been for a long time.


i'm letting go.
slowly, surely...
finally.


"everything will turn out the way you want if you just stop doubting that i love you"
[and you know i always did
and always will
and that is why...things are going where they are.
because it's life.
and we aren't in a perfectly crafted plot, and i am not going to fall into everything beautiful.
i am going to have to craft it with my own hands, like i could never craft so many things.]


ever since my breakdown months ago i can't look at a clock in the same way.

i want to live inside your arms.
although...
i don't even know who you are.
ijustwantedcomfort.

14.3.07

i smell of beach.

the two times a year i get depressed - the middle of winter and the fluctuating part of summer - are beginning to comingle and intertwine with each other.

i was the happiest i've been for a long time yesterday, and i will give credit to my "day off," which, i will admit, was lovely. hot showers and loud nick drake and wearing a skirt even when it's not sensible and the ability to do what i want - beautiful.

but...

late at night my mind starts falling.

i can't tell if i'm depressed or i just feel sad frequently.
i don't know anymore.
i don't really care anymore.
because i am going to keep doing it, regardless.
i'm not going to do anything to change it, conciously.
if my actions result in that feeling leaving, so be it.
but i will not pursue it avidly.


[i want something to hold on to.
...but i don't know what.]

10.3.07

3.3.07

oh me oh my

why leave me hanging on a star
when you deem me so high?














(that's all i've ever wanted to know.)


[and the only reason i know i'm dreaming
is because you are holding my hand
and i know that you never, ever will]

1.3.07

the palm of your hand

i was curled up in the palm of your hand
head resting gently against your thumb,
my arms wrapping around it as if it were your body
whole and unafraid.
if you so willed, you could curl your fingers into a tight fist
and i would go with them, still clutching on like life,
holding on like gravity.
if you so willed, you could pluck me off and drop me
and i would fall desperately, limbs waving wildly,
eyes calling aloud for help.
if you so willed, my destruction was yours, my entire self
was curled up in the palm of your hand
and i was yours.

i was curled up in the palm of your hand,
head resting gently against your thumb,
my arms wrapping around it as if it were your body
whole and unafraid.
i then fell into the small crevices each tiny line made
predictions of your future and personality,
tiny indents surrounding my person.
i then fell into the cup your hand had formed
holding all of me in its decided shape,
soft flesh surrounding my body.
i then fell into all of you and every piece of you
and every little bit i could feel on the inside of me
all of you surrounding all of me.

i was curled up in the palm of your hand,
all of you and all of me,
and i was yours.




[something raw and unedited for the first of the month]