he called it melancholia

this is an edit from the day after...
and all i have to say is "not all the time"
and sometimes i say things that i'm not sure i'm proud of.
now on to the entry i'm not sure i'm proud of.

i'm so sad all the time
so disconnected
so sad all the time
and i don't want to be so sad all the time anymore
and i don't want to do anything to change it

even the happy songs make me sad
if i even bother listening to them
but it's really the sad songs i listen to now
and why?
why do i perpetuate this emotion
that i'm not sure if i'm fond of?

but maybe that's it, then
maybe i am so fond of feeling this sadness
that, even though it is not generally regarded as a good emotion,
i don't bother escaping it

and in some sort of twisted way, i like it.

"were you so sad then, on the day of 44 sunsets?"

(but i don't like it
and i want things
to go back to
how they were
before all of this)

...were you sad too when you realized what had died; it's gone; i'm not sure if it can be rebuilt

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