i'm blogging more frequently, but what can one do?
i had an odd day and therefore i shall write. that's all there is to it.
this is what happens when you have two weekend days of not doing anything in a row.

the subject for the day: music. this will be played out like a "this american life" episode. i will have a theme but the variations on it will really be what matters.

first off. i am getting tired of songs about love, and i think that's why i like nick drake so much. and the other artists that i'm into. (but mostly him, yeah, i'll admit) because the lyrics don't fall back into the "oh, i love you" and relationships and how they fail, the swell, the whatevers of them. too much music about that. and if that's what you want to write about, go for it, but there's only so many ways one can say things like that, and everything's becoming cliched. i like originality and newness. i like songs about emotion and life and sure, love, but not just the person or how they look but the emotion, the solidarity and the feeling. music just about the "i love you, you are so beautiful, i want to hold you" sometimes just feels like they couldn't think of anything else to write about.

that's my little rant, i think.

next is something i find strange. there's been this ongoing rule in my house since i can't remember when that i am not allowed to sing. my younger brother hates my voice, hated it when i was singing constantly (and i know it's annoying, but at that point it was just something i did and couldn't help), and eventually brought the problem to my mother. there was a request for no more singing and, after a little fight, some "it's not fair"s, and, i will admit, a few tears, i fell into the rule. i can't sing in my house unless i'm home alone or i know nobody can hear me. whatever. i accept that, i will live on these people's terms, i have to share this house with them, too. sure i hate the fact that my brother can practice drums without issues, but i am basically over it. the strange thing is when i told someone about it, it became this issue. like some giant case of abuse. "that's terrible, it really is." and i never really saw it that way. sure, i didn't like it, but i just lived with it. and i find it so strange that so many people think it's this heartbreaking thing for me not to be able to sing. the fact that i don't sing in the shower shocks a lot of people, but i haven't in years. and i don't know if i ever will. i realized today while cleaning that even if i was told it's ok to sing in my house again...i don't know if i ever will be able to. it's just this stigma, this idea that this is not the time or place. and i am ok with that. i have to be.

that's the oddly emotional part of the post.

i find it so hard to like music that is angry. i don't understand...why anyone would listen to it unless they are angry themselves. and anger is something to let go of, not reinforce. that's why i like calm music, peaceful. because that's what i want to reinforce within myself. peace. it ties into the quote about how people who live in houses with a lot of screaming can't stand screaming music. all i want is peace and that is what i try to get out of my music. that's why i find it interesting to see people's taste in music. a lot of people want happiness - upbeat, techno, dancing, bouncy - or to reinforce their anger. some people just want to be accepted, to be cool. what you want is shown through what music you listen to, to a good extent.

that's the analytical one.

lastly is my life "gah" about college auditions that i don't want to do, that i don't have music for, that i feel unnecessary yet know are very necessary. i just want to be accepted into a college and have my current music teachers tell them that i am good enough to get into such-and-such an ensemble and then automatically get into it. but fuck idealism, it only gets me into more trouble, makes me so lazy, fills my head with nothingness. the real idealism is to somehow become a guitar virtuoso over the summer (or at least sort of good) and begin writing music...and become a folk singer for the rest of my life. sort of drift from town to town. maybe begin my career on some street corners in big cities but eventually record something, get an indie record deal, and become one of those people that only a select few listen to. i don't want fame, but to make money off of doing what i really, really love...and, well, folk music is it. but that will never, ever happen and i need to get a job and i need to find something else i love. there are fields in music i will make a living off of and i will love them and everything will end up in a decent place.


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