i'm in a writing mood, in a crazy mood where i want my emotions splattered across a page in ink.
this blog in newspaper is about the best i can do right now.
so i'm confused.
i don't know where i'm going and i've lost where i've been.
and i'm dissatisfied with where i am.
and everyone hits these points in their life, i know. everyone goes through it, feels lost sometimes, feels dead sometimes, gets confused sometimes. so how do we all get through it?
i'm such a cyclical being. i've gotten into this loop of getting really depressed, purging out all my emotion, becoming extremely raw and apathetic, and rebuilding whatever happiness and relationships are left over. and this time was the biggest purge, but most of the time things get gradually larger, right? and the recovery is taking longer, harder to get through. but doesn't everyone go through things like this? it seems like this constant rebirth into what you've always been is such a human, universal experience. most people i talk to have had similar experiences, similar emotion. so why don't we just all pile ourselves together and reassure each other? but we don't! we're so held back, so...human.
not knowing where i'm going is the scariest thing. i am so indecisive, so afraid of actually taking that next step. everything i want cannot be centered in the same place, which sucks, but that's how life goes and that's good, then. i need reality.
i also need stability, which is hard to grasp right now. my family is confusing, my friends are drifting away, and here i am, an island. but i'm not really. no, not really...
hm. this post sucked.