12.9.06

everybody's maybe-crazy

i have never felt so:

alone
weak
hopeless
afraid
helpless
ashamed
worthless

calm
centered



as i do now.

1.9.06

a debriefing.

just to go over the summer as it winds up.

i am going to go back to school a different person than i left it, just like every summer. but this year, it will be in a new way. what i have gone through this summer has been life-changing in a way i couldn't expect.

i am new.
i am old.
i am everything and nothing, and it's beautiful that way.
i have nothing to expect, and everything to hope for.

my life is poetical, isn't it?

i wanted so much from this summer, and didn't get most of it. but, looking back, they were expectations i should not have bothered to have. they were good as dreams, but they were meant to stay that way. and i'm still glad that i had those dreams, because they provided an impetus for other things to happen. at the same time, i'm glad that they didn't come true. because where would i be then? not getting want you want is such a good thing sometimes. i would not be as down-to-earth as i have become this summer. i would not be who i am right now.

i don't want very much anymore.
i'm human, so of course i still have wants.

but what i want, and why i want it, is so different and so changed.



that's what my summer has done to me.
and i'm glad of it.