31.5.06

wow.

i have a hunch this will not be a frequently read thing.
i am totally ok with that. in fact, i think that's really cool. that's really why it's a blog and not some other format, right? to keep it somewhat elite?

anyways.

i am procrastinating right now. that's where most things like this come from, really, at least for me. not doing english. i am going to hate myself tomorrow. but right now, i am so self-satisfied for not doing my work.

the class of '06 having graduated, i feel i do not truly need to do work anymore. of course, i do, but listening to my friends talk about no school and summer and all of those nostaligic ideas of the future really gets me. i want it now, but i also want it to be a month ago.

time amazes me. i'm going to be very old before i know it.

we won't even talk about how soon graduation is.

my mind is such a swirl of emotions lately. i am so happy about so many things, yet fearful of the future. i know everything will be ok - i have complete confidence in my ability to pull things out of nowhere - but what if that ability fails for once? i'm screwed. but this happiness is something i can't get past. i am pretty content with life, and that is good.

i have decided to use this as a sort of journal...i really don't think i expect anyone to read it.

this could be fun.

22.5.06

constant thoughts

so i'm sitting here in a chair (where else would i sit?) and i'm playing with my hair, running my fingers through it, marvelling at creation. it's falling out a strand at a time, and i can watch it fall, float down, shimmer and disappear. it's something that was a part of me, but is now dead and means nothing to me at all. of course, if every single strand of hair did this to me at once, i would be quite frightened. but because it is just one strand now...and here another...i am fine, i am ok.

now i've realized i've created a metaphor without trying to, without an attempt. this is how life works for me, though.

these strands of hair mean something as they fall to the floor.

they're really quite pretty. almost prettier than on me. but i don't see them once they're out of the air, once they've hit the floor.

i will vacuum them up in a matter of days. they will be gone from my head, put into a little bag, and packed away with mounds of trash into somewhere far away. a part of me, something containing my dna. and they will decompose, like i will someday. and i will be lost into the ashes of the earth, i will become stardust, i will become like the hair and the garbage and the trees and everything.

that is amazing.

i am in a circle. (circles are consquently my favorite geometric shape, and i think always have been. they intrigue me.)

and the hairs are not falling out as constantly - i think i am running out of loose ones - and i may stop. i've lost a part of me that i do not mourn losing. it was, of course, only loose hairs. so why should i bother being sad? it's like the inside of me that changes, that i cast away for something new. i will not mourn that loss.

i am long winded, and i think i will stop now.

21.5.06

ah, the first post

i have created a blog.

what am i thinking?

i have so many thoughts.

this has been created as an outlet for me, and also as a way of getting my thoughts in at least some form of public format.

i'm not sure if it will work.

all of the thoughts i created this to hold are not going to come out right now. i'm just going to let it sit for a while, and see if this format suits me.