31.12.06

i have completely stopped living

29.12.06

oh god, where are you now

i should not have done what i just did


and i'm terribly glad i did it




[my head hurts...badly
and i need some sleep]

23.12.06

the one thing i'm missing

(is in your eyes.)

i am in the christmas spirit for real for the first time since i was maybe eight. i feel it, despite the rain, despite...whatever it is that was pressing down on me. it is here, i know what christmas is...and not jesus christmas even, just that feeling of goodwill towards men and all of that. maybe it's the sufjan christmas music, which is better than the pop remakes that only made me angry. maybe it is the family, the sense of something to come back to. maybe the fact that i feel warm, even when the wind is blowing my ears to a bright red. or this sense of sureness. (which even i can't explain)

coming home today from this thing i had to do at church, my mom and i saw a homeless guy. all he had was a meijer bag and the clothes on his back. so we went to valueland, bought some scarves and gloves (he had no gloves! in december!) and a sweatshirt for him, and came back to give it to him. mom had stuff in our trunk, too, from her work (she works at a non-profit agency) and we told him to take whatever he might need. he's staying at a shelter tonight, and good thing, too because i don't know what i would have done if he hadn't had a place to go.

he had a voice cut out for radio, and very friendly eyes.
and a subdued smile.
it's so sad.

why is his life like that? i wonder. i doubt he was a drug addict with all his money wasted or a criminal or anything. he was just...another guy, down on his luck. and why? why does this happen?
and why am i sitting here on a computer, food filling my fridge, a family surrounding me...when this man was huddled for warmth on the library steps, gloveless and waiting until he could go to the shelter?
i am so selfish...because i am not going to sell all of my worldly goods to help others. no, i am not, and...i am selfish for it. but it's not like i could.

and here is where i get spun into circles of guilt, reality, hopes, and sadness.

i want to save every homeless man with a soft smile and a radio voice. but i can't.



p.s. i love "redford (for yia-yia and pappou)" by sufjan stevens more than a lot of things. listen to it, and close your eyes. that's me singing to you. not the voices, either, but the piano. and the feeling that wells up inside you with every turn...that's me singing to you.

(i am so silly. such a silly romantic, in a way. but not romantic in the way that everyone thinks, with candles and stuff. with weird things, like my postscript, and feeling connected to the world, and feeling like songs are soundtrack music and my life is a movie)

i am fucking in love with the song "eyes" by rogue wave, thanks to heroes. i can't stop listening to it, it's in my head.
i mean, i liked it before and thought it was good and listened to it several times, but now it brings up images.


i can't stop typing apparently. but it is here i am cutting myself off.

20.12.06

(i couldn't tell)

i cried this morning

it was wonderful

i had a bad day, and a good day

(as good of a day as you can when you cry before you even get to seven o'clock)

life is going to kick my ass

i am ok with that

i am in a down stage - i just came off an up so it is all karma and a circle - and i am expecting up to happen again around the end of january

cycles cycles patterns cycles

it all comes back into itself

this is what we call acceptence.

17.12.06

nothing really important, i guess

"i was living the american dream.
it was america's dream, not mine."
[that is what i am scared of growing up to be]
{that is what i know i can't allow myself to be}
___
there is no snow and i am scrooge
---

maybe i could have, but i never will now. and that...is a relief. (esoteric, cryptic, and positively as it was meant to be...just for me)

...
www.lost.eu/1049f
...

and as silly as i feel, it fascinates me.

13.12.06

fine. really. fine.

i feel so clear-headed right now, and so happy.

something in my life, and i'm not sure what, is just going decidedly well. something has cleared up in my head, something has resolved its conflicts, mended its ends. i have closure over this non-descript problem in my life. and maybe it's because several things hit me at once and i got through all of them. maybe because i'm losing the baggage of people and ideas i don't need.

maybe because i know who i am.
and i'm finally unafraid to stand up for myself...mostly.

i know my failings, and i am willing to admit to them and attempt to fix them.
i know my strong points, and although i will always avoid getting egotistical, i am going to stop putting myself down.
i know me.

all of the puzzle pieces are finally beginning to fit together, and although it's not the picture i expected, it's a nice one.

and it will grow on me.

i only need a few more pieces, and i feel like they may just be right around the corner for me.

6.12.06

maybe you should cry.

i was thinking about crying, and how weird people are about it. and this is what i got from myself.

i didn't cry at my last night of band camp or senior fallout. i didn't cry at my last tree performance. i didn't cry at any senior lasts yet.

i didn't cry when my parents got divorced, or when we moved out of our old house. or any of our moves, i think.

i did, however, cry at one point this summer watching c-span and hearing about a woman who got "innocent by reason of insanity" after killing her three children. cried hard. i was devastated. and each time they flashed pictures of those kids, especially the baby, it just got worse.

i cried a little singing "go tell it on the mountain" during class one day for choir.

i've been close to tears many a time for no good reason, really, other than the fact that a song or a piece of artwork or something has hit me. and why? why not for my own life and for my lasts and for the firsts i didn't want to happen or those unexpected plot twists?

and i think it's because life is art, and art is life. we are alive to create and breathe and make art. aren't we? isn't that what it all comes down to? and that's what gets me.

3.12.06

nick drake made me dangerous

i wonder why life is worth living, why i bother.
i've always struggled with this question, why i keep going, why i get up in the morning, why i don't just lay around and do nothing.

why don't i just kill myself?

wouldn't everything just fall into place, be easier?

oh, and i know there are a million reasons to live, and i'm not going to die until i see the seven wonders of the world, believe me; but still.

suicide and the idea of it has always fascinated me and always will.

it's just that i'm afraid of death.

and maybe that suicide just looks like giving up, doesn't it? like the person has decided that all of the great things aren't worth the little problems. and maybe they aren't, but one never knows. one never knows when what's really worth it may pop up. or if it's sitting right in front of one and one cannot see it. (they're right there.)


(and also, fuck college, fuck jobs, fuck living for anything other than for LIFE. i want to be a hippie, i want to sing and be free, i want to live in a society where everything correlates into itself. but i'm not, really, in the way i want it to work. and i'm silly for wanting it.)

13.11.06

oh what a world

tomorrow is my birthday.

i feel like i ought to be much older than i am. i feel like i know more, have seen more, have done more than a 16 year old. i should be at least 18. it's not even the grade-skipping. it's where everything is in my life, my mind, my heart right now. and maybe it's my naivete that's making me feel like i'm mature...but i really do feel quite old compared to my actual age.

i have an old soul, i am thinking. or a very young one. it changes.

"time has told me not to ask for more for some day our ocean will find its shore."

listening to that song right now, and reflecting in a way over whatever time i've had. which isn't much, but is a lot. i never know.

mmmm.

8.10.06

psychology.

i miss being really happy...

but not enough to actually do anything about it.

is that a problem?

i can't figure it out.

5.10.06

transition periods

...are supposed to be the part of our life in which we grow the most, yes? and realize the most about ourselves?

well, this is what i've decided recently -
a college needs to waltz up to me and say "hey. we are going to give you loads of money because we like you. and we are a great school. and we are perfect for you."
and they will be perfect. and life will be perfect, or close to it.

but that isn't going to happen.

and, looking at all the apps i need to fill out, this is how i feel:

fuck college. why do i need it anyways? what do i truly need it for?
will i be able to fulfill my life's goal without it?
i don't know...and i don't think i want to take the chance.

but i really want to challenge everything about college right now...just because that's in the mood i'm in.
applications make me restless.

12.9.06

everybody's maybe-crazy

i have never felt so:

alone
weak
hopeless
afraid
helpless
ashamed
worthless

calm
centered



as i do now.

1.9.06

a debriefing.

just to go over the summer as it winds up.

i am going to go back to school a different person than i left it, just like every summer. but this year, it will be in a new way. what i have gone through this summer has been life-changing in a way i couldn't expect.

i am new.
i am old.
i am everything and nothing, and it's beautiful that way.
i have nothing to expect, and everything to hope for.

my life is poetical, isn't it?

i wanted so much from this summer, and didn't get most of it. but, looking back, they were expectations i should not have bothered to have. they were good as dreams, but they were meant to stay that way. and i'm still glad that i had those dreams, because they provided an impetus for other things to happen. at the same time, i'm glad that they didn't come true. because where would i be then? not getting want you want is such a good thing sometimes. i would not be as down-to-earth as i have become this summer. i would not be who i am right now.

i don't want very much anymore.
i'm human, so of course i still have wants.

but what i want, and why i want it, is so different and so changed.



that's what my summer has done to me.
and i'm glad of it.

26.7.06

humdrum

just curious as to who actually reads this.

i don't know, and i think i'd like to.

i'm pretty sure i've enabled anonymous comments, but if that's not your style...tell me?

or just stalk me. that's cool, too.

11.7.06

a general observation

it is amazing that knowing you are loved can fix so many things.

or at least make them feel like they are fixed.

7.6.06

to run.

so my mind is racing

racing racing racing

i went for a walk/run today. i walked down the train tracks behind my house to clear my mind...which didn't work, i just had more time to think and therefore thought more thoughts.

i got to a point and realized...it's time to turn around. and then i started running.

i don't know why i was running. i just was. and i didn't want to stop. i was in flip flops, running down train tracks, couldn't stop, couldn't let my legs stop moving. i hopped from wooden plank to wooden plan, hoping not to cut myself on the shattered glass spilled everywhere. my shoes would get caught and i would almost fall, but i kept going and going and going until i finally saw my roof and realized...it's time to stop.

so i walked inside, got some water, and went on with my life.

it's insane what's on my mind lately. how much, how little, why, who, when, everything everything everything nothing.

my mind is racing

racing racing racing

a mile a minute.

31.5.06

wow.

i have a hunch this will not be a frequently read thing.
i am totally ok with that. in fact, i think that's really cool. that's really why it's a blog and not some other format, right? to keep it somewhat elite?

anyways.

i am procrastinating right now. that's where most things like this come from, really, at least for me. not doing english. i am going to hate myself tomorrow. but right now, i am so self-satisfied for not doing my work.

the class of '06 having graduated, i feel i do not truly need to do work anymore. of course, i do, but listening to my friends talk about no school and summer and all of those nostaligic ideas of the future really gets me. i want it now, but i also want it to be a month ago.

time amazes me. i'm going to be very old before i know it.

we won't even talk about how soon graduation is.

my mind is such a swirl of emotions lately. i am so happy about so many things, yet fearful of the future. i know everything will be ok - i have complete confidence in my ability to pull things out of nowhere - but what if that ability fails for once? i'm screwed. but this happiness is something i can't get past. i am pretty content with life, and that is good.

i have decided to use this as a sort of journal...i really don't think i expect anyone to read it.

this could be fun.

22.5.06

constant thoughts

so i'm sitting here in a chair (where else would i sit?) and i'm playing with my hair, running my fingers through it, marvelling at creation. it's falling out a strand at a time, and i can watch it fall, float down, shimmer and disappear. it's something that was a part of me, but is now dead and means nothing to me at all. of course, if every single strand of hair did this to me at once, i would be quite frightened. but because it is just one strand now...and here another...i am fine, i am ok.

now i've realized i've created a metaphor without trying to, without an attempt. this is how life works for me, though.

these strands of hair mean something as they fall to the floor.

they're really quite pretty. almost prettier than on me. but i don't see them once they're out of the air, once they've hit the floor.

i will vacuum them up in a matter of days. they will be gone from my head, put into a little bag, and packed away with mounds of trash into somewhere far away. a part of me, something containing my dna. and they will decompose, like i will someday. and i will be lost into the ashes of the earth, i will become stardust, i will become like the hair and the garbage and the trees and everything.

that is amazing.

i am in a circle. (circles are consquently my favorite geometric shape, and i think always have been. they intrigue me.)

and the hairs are not falling out as constantly - i think i am running out of loose ones - and i may stop. i've lost a part of me that i do not mourn losing. it was, of course, only loose hairs. so why should i bother being sad? it's like the inside of me that changes, that i cast away for something new. i will not mourn that loss.

i am long winded, and i think i will stop now.

21.5.06

ah, the first post

i have created a blog.

what am i thinking?

i have so many thoughts.

this has been created as an outlet for me, and also as a way of getting my thoughts in at least some form of public format.

i'm not sure if it will work.

all of the thoughts i created this to hold are not going to come out right now. i'm just going to let it sit for a while, and see if this format suits me.